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"I think she might be the one. You didn't happen to get her name, did ya?"
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"We lock him in the basement and make him listen to Celine Dion."
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"Ford, you're a lawyer. Am I Hunter Franklin?"
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"Okay, so daddy drinks."
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"Julie Sheffield? Are you kidding? Tsch! A guy does not forget the first girl he ever had sex with outdoors. Which was a very irresponsible thing to do."
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"I have this whole other life that exists in a parallel dimension like some bad Jean Claude Van Damme movie."
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"I'm not supposed to be a father. I'm the guy fathers warn their daughters about."
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"No, this is how international super model, Vendala, peels carrots."
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"I call it still life, with nipples...apples."
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"Hey, catheters paid for our Playstation, mister."
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"I was going to write you a thank you note, but now you're going to have sex with my roommate which is much better."
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"Oh good. Tonight's performance will be in stereo."
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"Stop staring at her through glass like she's a turtle."
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"Geez, Ford, how gay are you?"
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"I'm fighting the impulse to point out quite how pathetic that is, whoops, I guess I lost."
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"I can be happy selling catheters again. I mean, sure, some people just see it as a tube you pee through, but I'm looking at from the other side."
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"I can show you my new paintings and we can leap off the roof like lemmings."
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"So, now I'm living with these guys while I dissolve my marriage as being gay and having a wife are somewhat incompatible. Unless, of course, you're a politician or a movie star."
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"Look, stop the bickering, you're both pretty."
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"Gay enough to kick your ass. Die homophobic ninja scum."
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"There are no bad Jean Claude Van Damme movies."
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"You guys are so married. ... Yes, you are. And I know which one of you is the wife."
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"I'm just saying don't waste those tickets on me. You know, I'm not a big Streisand fan... Hello? Hello?"
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"Talk about a dysfunctional family, huh? Kind of makes us look like, uh, Doris Day and Rock Hudson. Bad analogy."
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"I'm just another married gay guy living with a couple of straight guys married to each other."
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"Oh please, when am I ever not nice?"
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"Well, I'd love to stay and chat but the longer I stand still the louder the howling in my head gets."
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"We tried living together as friends, but, well, let's be honest, that crap only works on Lifetime."
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"I brought wine...and more wine."
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"What was I blind?"
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"Well, honey, you promised to love, honor and not go Nancy on me."
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"I don't need you. I have wine!"
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