Episode 3 - "Love Stinks"
OPENING

INT. HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - DAY

It is morning. Hunter is sitting on the couch searching through a cereal box for something. Norris walks in holding a bowl of milk and looks at Hunter questionably. Hunter finally pulls out the little prize from the box.

     HUNTER
(looking at prize)
Hey, cool! A T-Rex tattoo. They weren't kidding about great prizes.
(hands the cereal over to Norris)

     NORRIS
(takes the box)
Thanks. You wanna dip your toes in the milk?
(sits down and pours himself some cereal)

The doorbell rings. Ford rushes down the stairs in a hurry.

     FORD
I'll get it! It's for me! Mine!

     HUNTER
(looking at watch)
It must be ten A.M. and time for...

     HUNTER & NORRIS
(smug)
Delivery Guy.

A hunky, handsome UPS-like courier carries a big package into the living room. Ford follows right behind him.

     FORD
(to Delivery Guy)
So, great, I've been, uh, I've been waiting for you, uh, I mean for your package.
(turns his head away, wincing, shaking his head)

The Delivery Guy hands over the clipboard for him to sign. The other guys look on. Ford finishes signing and hands the Delivery Guy his clipboard back.

     FORD
(continuing)
There you go.
(places the pen in the front shirt pocket of the delivery guy)
And there you go.
(pats the chest where the pen is, feeling the chest, giving an expression of "wow" to Hunter and Norris)

     DELIVERY GUY
(looking down at the pen)
It's your pen, but...
(pats his chest)
...thanks.
(leaves)

     FORD
(following)
Well, yeah, sure, anything else I can do for ya? I make a great Moussaka.
(chuckling in foyer)
Well, this was fun.
(walks off to close the door)

     NORRIS
(to Hunter)
Dude, Ford needs a man.

Ford heads back up the stairs.

     NORRIS
(beat, continuing)
Maybe we can help him. Right? I mean, we must be able to find someone who can make the first date go a little easier.

     HUNTER
How much do you want to spend?

     NORRIS
Surprisingly, Hunter, I was thinking of someone we know and like and wouldn't have to pay.

     HUNTER
(eating cereal)
Maybe Ford's not ready to date. Maybe he likes being single.

The doorbell rings again. Ford comes racing down the stairs one more time.

     FORD
I'll get it! It's for me! Mine!

They both look back. Hunter looks at Norris questionably.

     NORRIS
(to Hunter)
Fed-Ex guy.

     HUNTER
I'll ask around.

     NORRIS
Yeah.

They go back to eating their cereal.

ACT ONE

INT. HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - DAY

Norris is pacing back and forth, frustrated. Hunter is sitting on the couch looking over some blueprints.

     NORRIS
What is taking Ford so long to get ready?

     HUNTER
Yeah, I mean, how hard is it to pick out clean pants and a shirt. It's not like you're in them very long anyway.

     NORRIS
Hunter, that's just you.

     HUNTER
God, I'm lucky.

Ford finally comes down the stairs, wearing casual-looking shirt and slacks and shoes.

     FORD
Okay, I'm as ready as I'll ever be.

     NORRIS
You are going to love Marc. Hey, he's the best model in my sketch class. He's so flexible, he can hold any pose for hours. It's amazing.

Ford looks at Norris strangely.

     NORRIS
(off Ford's strange look, continuing)
Just saying.

     HUNTER
(goes over to Ford)
Okay, so here's how you should play this. Pay attention to everything they say, even if it's about feelings and stuff.

     NORRIS
And, uh, make sure that you buy all the drinks, so he will feel obligated to put out.

     HUNTER
Norris, they're both guys. Guys wanna put out. The only reason we don't get it all the time is because women won't let us.
(points to Ford)
It's not a problem here.

     FORD
You guys, I am not going to have sex with someone I just met.

The doorbell rings. Norris walks off to answer it.

     NORRIS
Damn. I told Marc you were easy.

Ford looks at him surprisingly.

     NORRIS
(off Ford's expression, continuing)
What? I'm kidding. Sort of.

     FORD
(to Hunter, nervous)
Why did I agree to this? I don't need a date. I just need better videos.

Norris comes back, followed by Suzanne, carrying a brown bag.

     NORRIS
Dude, look who's here.

     HUNTER
(to Ford)
Dude, he looks just like your wife.

Suzanne turns to look at Norris and Hunter.

     SUZANNE
Hi Guys.
(turns back to Ford)
Hey, Ford.
(kisses him next to his cheek)
Hey, I just bought new shoes. You wanna buy me lunch?

     FORD
Lunch? Uh...
(looks to Norris)

     NORRIS
(interrupting, helping)
Uh... Ford is busy.

     HUNTER
Yeah, he's going out with...

     FORD
(interrupting)
...with some inventors who need money for their new invention: a cordless toaster, for toast on the go. For, you know, so better hurry 'cause if they can't wait for toast, they can't wait for their lawyer.
(pushes Suzanne towards the front door)

     SUZANNE
(escaping Ford)
Uh, fine, but I am not ready to get into another cab just yet. The last guy offered me twenty dollars to smell my hair.
(heads toward the kitchen)

     FORD
(to Hunter and Norris)
Okay. What am I going to do? He's gonna be here any minute.

     HUNTER
Dude, why don't you just tell her the truth?

     FORD
Yeah, I could tell her the truth if I wanted a stilletto heel rammed into my forehead!
(beat, sitting down on couch)
Look, Suzanne and I haven't been separated that long, so dating is still something that's only good in theory like "Footloose the Musical".

Suzanne returns with a drink in hand. The doorbell rings. The three guys wait in anticipation, wondering what to do, until...

     SUZANNE
Okay, I'll get it.

     HUNTER & NORRIS & FORD
NO! NO!

The three guys react quickly. Norris rushes to the door. Hunter rushes over the couch to block Suzanne. And Ford tries to go after Suzanne.

     NORRIS
Oh no! I got it!

     HUNTER
Don't!

     FORD
No! Stop!

     HUNTER
(to Suzanne, taking her glass)
What in god's name are you drinking?
(drinks it and spits it out)
God! This stuff is swill. We save this for Norris.
(takes Suzanne to the kitchen)

Ford checks out his clothing and makes necessary adjustments. Entering, is a guy dressed in bike wear, looking a little bit more "gayer" than Ford's expectation. Norris tries to sneak pass to the den without getting caught. Too late...

     FORD
Norris!

Norris comes back, head down.

     NORRIS
Uh, Marc, this is Ford.

Marc walks up to Ford, swagging.

     MARC
Yeah.
(walks up to Ford and shakes his hand)
Ooh! Looks like someone's been eating all his vegetables, huh?
(turns Ford's hand to look at it)

     FORD
(taking his hand away)
Um, look, I'm not sure this is such a good idea 'cause, uh, you know, I'm not really dressed for a bike ride.

     MARC
Who said anything about a bike ride? C'mon, uh, let's go run through sprinklers, huh?
(takes Ford's hand and drags him with him)
C'mon.

They head to the front door.

     FORD
I...
(looks at Norris for help)
Norris...

INT. HOUSE - DINING ROOM - DAY

Later... Norris is sitting at the dining room table, in shame, while Ford is scolding him. Ford is quite wet from his little outing. Hunter is standing in the back, watching.

     FORD
He showed me his liposuction scars.

     NORRIS
I'm sorry.

     FORD
Apparently, he used to have a pretty fat ass!

     NORRIS
I'm so very sorry.

     FORD
What were you thinking? Okay, I know these two gay guys that have nothing in common. Let me set them up.

     NORRIS
Need a new word for "sorry".

     FORD
Need a new word for "idiot roommate who should never play gay cupid again"!
(leaves)

     HUNTER
How about "Norris"?

     NORRIS
(to Hunter)
Okay, not helping.
(places head on table)

INT. HOUSE - KITCHEN - DAY

The next day. Norris has his laundry out and folding it. He notices Ford coming down the stairs and brings him a tray of goodies.

     NORRIS
Ah, ah-ha, here you go, sir.
(clears his throat)
Uh, coffee, english muffin, strawberry preserves and...
(takes a magazine and shows it to Ford)
...look, the new J-Crew catalogue.

     FORD
Ah.

     NORRIS
(opens it up)
And, I dog-eared the pages with the Latin-looking guys.
(hands him the magazine)

     FORD
(takes it)
Norris, you're forgiven. All right? And you're right, I need to start dating. It's just that I never dated a guy before. And after Marc, I think I can still say that.
(heads toward an the counter next to patio door to eat)

Chloe walks down the kitchen stairs with a laundry basket in hand.

     CHLOE
How come everytime I come over here, one of you guys is using the washer?

     NORRIS
(folding his clothes)
Uh, because we live here, and you don't.

     CHLOE
That excuse is getting so old.

INT. HOUSE - DINING ROOM - DAY

Hunter is holding a football, walking toward the kitchen, talking to his football buddies, who are following him.

     HUNTER
I'm just saying that in any other context, "punting" sounds like a dirty word.

INT. HOUSE - KITCHEN - DAY

Hunter and the guys enter.

     HUNTER
(pointing to Norris, Ford, and Chloe)
Uh, you guys know Norris, and that's my new roommate, Ford, and that's Chloe.
(opens refridgerator for beer)

     GUY #1
(checking Chloe out)
Dude, nice going.

     HUNTER
My daughter!

     GUY #1
I mean, nice going genetically.

     HUNTER
(giving him a six pack beer)
Get out! Go on. C'mon, everybody, get out. Go on!

     GUY #2
(checking Chloe out)
If she's single, I'm divorced.

     CHLOE
If they're single, I'm a lesbian.

The washer buzzer sounds. Norris and Chloe hear it and then race up the kitchen stairs with laundry basket in hand. Norris leads the race.

     NORRIS
Yes! I win!

     CHLOE
Yeah? You run like a girl!

Another football buddy of Hunter walks into the kitchen. Ford is still eating the breakfast Norris made for him.

     BRUCE
Hi. Mind if I grab a drink?
(opens the fridge)

     FORD
No, no, help yourself.

     BRUCE
(looking in the fridge)
Do you have anything besides beer and chocolate syrup?

     FORD
(chuckling)
I know we have mustard.
(walks towards Bruce)

     BRUCE
Hey, you're Ford, right? The lawyer?

     FORD
Yes.
(notices Bruce's feature, softer tone)
Uh, yes.

     BRUCE
Well, I wanted to meet you. Hunter told me about you. I'm Bruce.
(extends his hand)

     FORD
(shaking his hand)
Oh, hi. Hi, Bruce. I'm Ford...which you already know.

Bruce nods, smiling and chuckling.

     FORD
(continuing, eyes in fridge)
Hey, juice!
(grabs a bottle out and hands it to Bruce)
Ah, there you go.

     BRUCE
(takes the bottle)
Thank you.

Hunter walks in, football in hand.

     HUNTER
Hey, Bruce, you finding everything okay?

     BRUCE
(looking at Ford)
Yeah, absolutely.
(pops open the bottle)
Thanks.
(walks off to the backyard)

     HUNTER
(noticing something amiss)
Did I interrupt something?

     FORD
Yeah! Yeah! Why didn't you set me up with him?

     HUNTER
Who? Bruce?

     FORD
Yeah.

     HUNTER
Well, I don't really know him. He just started playing with us. Good receiver, though. Great hands.

     FORD
Well, wrap him up, I'll take him.
(beat, catching himself)
Where did that come from?

     HUNTER
Some scary gay place.

     FORD
Oh, c'mon, who am I kidding? Just 'cause I like him, that doesn't mean he likes me.

Bruce pops in at the patio door.

     BRUCE
Say, Ford.

     FORD
Yeah.

     BRUCE
Wanna grab a drink later?

     FORD
(pointing to himself, hesitant)
Me? Uh, sure. Yeah. You know.

     BRUCE
Great. I'll pick you up at seven.

     FORD
(muted excitement)
Yeah.

Bruce goes back to the backyard.

     HUNTER
He likee!

     FORD
(nodding)
Yeah.

INT. HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

Hunter is dumping some of the toppings off the pizza back into the pizza box. Chloe is sitting next to him on the couch. Norris is sitting on the sofa chair eating his slice.

     CHLOE
Why did we order this pizza if you don't like vegetables?

     HUNTER
Because you like it.

     CHLOE
Great! Now you've gone and attached emotional significance to my favorite pizza.
(puts her plate down)
Can nothing be pure?!
(leaves)

     HUNTER
(checking watch)
I wonder how Ford and my guy are doing?

     NORRIS
Who cares? I have to see Marc in class on Thursday. What am I supposed to say to him?

     HUNTER
How about this: "You're a freak!"

The doorbell rings.

     HUNTER
(continuing)
Hey, Ford and my guy are back. That's obviously the "clear-out" signal.

Norris and Hunter put their pizzas down and start leaving, until...

     SUZANNE
(O.S.)
Ford!

     NORRIS
Or it's Suzanne.
(heads to the front door)
Unless, of course, your guy's a screamer.

     HUNTER
Well, he does get pretty vocal when he scores a touchdown.

Suzanne enters with a small brown paper bag. She is looking around for Ford.

     SUZANNE
(to Hunter)
Where's Ford?

     HUNTER
Uh...

     NORRIS
Uh... where's Ford? Uh, maybe he's upstairs. I'm gonna check.
(runs up the stairs)
Hey, Ford! Ford!

     HUNTER
(yelling to Norris)
Thanks for the help, buddy!
(to Suzanne)
Uh, what's in the bag?

     SUZANNE
(opening the bag, sad voice)
This.

     HUNTER
(takes the bag and looks into it)
Hey, a mouse on a glue trap. I didn't know Bloomingdale's had those. Well, thank you.

     SUZANNE
No, no, no, the landlord. He set up these stupid traps and now the mouse is stuck.

     MOM
(in subtitles)
I smell death!

     SUZANNE
What do I do with it?

     HUNTER
Welp, first I put him in a bigger bag.

     SUZANNE
Why?

     HUNTER
So, he won't see the hammer when it hits him in the head.

     SUZANNE
No! No, no, no, no!
(takes bag from Hunter)
I can't let you die. Where the hell is Ford? I want Ford.
(screaming)
Ford!

     HUNTER
(running up to Suzanne)
Oh, Ford. Uh, Ford's not here. Ford is with the toaster people on the Stanton Island Ferry. They're testing the waterproof model. Apparently the Navy is interested in it.

     SUZANNE
Only Ford can help my mouse, so I'm just gonna sit here and wait until he gets home.
(sits on couch)

     HUNTER
(checking the front door before heading to Suzanne)
Uh...uh...but that mouse is sick, and we must go now to a place where we can end his suffering.

     SUZANNE
An animal hospital.
(gets up)

     HUNTER
I was thinking dumpster, but okay.

They head off.

INT. HOUSE - ATTIC - NIGHT

Norris is painting, listening to an 80's new wave song, "Oh, Mickey". He starts dancing during the chorus. Chloe comes up the stairs to see him dance. Norris keeps dancing and does a full circle and notices Chloe staring at him. He stops dancing and turns off the boombox.

     NORRIS
Hey! Didn't see you there.

     CHLOE
Obviously. Um, this was in the dryer.

Chloe unravels a shirt. On the shirt it reads, "Frankie Say Relax," in big bold letters.

     CHLOE
(continuing)
I'm guessing it's yours.

     NORRIS
It was a gift.
(takes the shirt and tosses it aside)

     CHLOE
Hey, what's in here?
(looks through records)
Pet Shop Boys, Squiddy Pollidy, Men at Work...
(takes out a record album)
Hey, you only listen to music from that show, "Where Are They Now?".

     NORRIS
Okay, all right, okay, all right. You know what, so I like the eighties. I even named my motorcycle, "Purple Rain," even though it was kind of green, and kind of a moped.

     CHLOE
(taking a video tape, reads it)
Luke and Laura's wedding.

     NORRIS
(grabs it from her)
Friends of mine!
(hides it with the records)

INT. BAR - NIGHT

Bruce and Ford are sitting down at a table drinking beer at a regular, heterosexual bar.

     BRUCE
So, how come you don't play football with the rest of us more often?

     FORD
Well, actually, I've never been asked.
(V.O.)
Oh, that wasn't too obvious.

     BRUCE
So, play with us next week.

     FORD
(V.O.)
Who cares? It worked.

     BRUCE
So as long as you're on my side. You're obviously in great shape.

     FORD
Oh, no, not really. I mean, you should see me under this shirt.
(V.O.)
Good, Ford.
(V.O., beat)
Why don't you just climb onto his plate and tell him the buffet is opened.

Loud music starts playing.

     FORD
(continuing, to Bruce)
You know, let me see if I can get them to turn that music down.
(gets up and leaves)

     BRUCE
Well, hurry back, because we're just getting warmed up.

Bruce looks over to the table next to him. Two women are at the table talking to each other.

     BRUCE
(continuing, to women)
Hi, ladies.
(beat)
How'd you like to join me and my friend for a drink?

     TRACY
Sorry, we're waiting for somebody.

     BRUCE
Well, if it's a rich lawyer and a handsome insurance salesman, your wait is over.

     TRACY
Good, then I guess we could leave now.

The two women get up and leave. Ford comes back to the table.

     FORD
No luck with the music.

     BRUCE
No luck with the women.

They both laugh.

     FORD
Yeah.
(beat)
Uh, you know, Bruce, I was a little nervous about coming out with you tonight, but you really made me feel comfortable.

     BRUCE
Well, Ford, I'm trying to make a good impression. I don't meet someone like you everyday.

They clink their beers and drink.

     FORD
(V.O.)
He likee. He really, really likee.

     BRUCE
(V.O.)
Something tells me this guy's gonna buy a lot of insurance.

They smile at each other.

ACT TWO

INT. BAR - NIGHT

Later, Ford and Bruce are still at the table talking.

     FORD
That's how I found out I was allergic to broccoli.
(laughs)

     BRUCE
(laughing with Ford)
Ahh, great story. Any other allergies?

     FORD
Uh, you know, not that I'm aware of.

     BRUCE
Any history of heart disease?

     FORD
No.

     BRUCE
Stroke?

     FORD
No.

     BRUCE
How about any sexually transmitted...?

     FORD
(interrupting)
No!

     BRUCE
Okay. These are standard questions nowadays.

     FORD
(joking with him)
You know, you don't need me to sign anything?

     BRUCE
Not just yet.

Ford laughs.

     BRUCE
(continuing)
But, Ford, what'd you say we go someplace quieter? Someplace we can really get down to business.

     FORD
(downing more of his beer, V.O.)
Oh, no. I'm not sure I'm ready for this.
(speak)
How about my place?

Bruce takes one last swig of the beer, before they get up.

     FORD
(continuing, V.O.)
Wow. I really am gay.

INT. VETERNARIAN CLINIC - NIGHT

Suzanne and Hunter enter. Suzanne is still holding the small paper bag with the soon-to-be dead mouse.

     SUZANNE
(to mouse)
It's okay little guy. This time tomorrow, you'll be out spreading disease again.

     HUNTER
Suzanne, why are you so worked up about a rodent?

     SUZANNE
This rodent happens to be one of God's creatures.

     HUNTER
So was the pigeon you clipped on the way over.

     SUZANNE
(banging on the bell repeatedly)
Medic!

     DR. RINALDI
(entering)
Hi, I'm Dr. Rinaldi. I couldn't help but hear you yell.

     SUZANNE
(shows her the mouse)
What do you think?

     DR. RINALDI
(looks in the bag)
Good trap.

     SUZANNE
There must be something you could do.

     DR. RINALDI
I could hold its little mouse hand and tell it to go towards the light.

     SUZANNE
Don't make me take you down.

     HUNTER
Oh.
(comes up and takes Suzanne by the shoulder)

INT. HOUSE - ATTIC - NIGHT

Chloe is sitting down reading a old yearbook album and wearing a Michael Jackson flashy white glove. Norris is still painting.

     CHLOE
Who's Helen Jenkins?

     NORRIS
What?

     CHLOE
In your yearbook.
(reading)
"It was so sweet of you to take me to see 'St. Elmos' Fire' when Chad dumped me."

     NORRIS
Helen was, uh, you know, just, uh, a goddess, but she loved Chad, so I was just the guy she talked to about Chad.

     CHLOE
Ah, so you were the friend.

     NORRIS
I was not.

     CHLOE
Really?
(reading)
"The good news is Chad got jealous of you. I know, can you believe it? So, now we're back together. You're such a good friend, Norris."

     NORRIS
(painting)
Okay. Okay. I was the friend. You know, the guy she'd go to to give Chad a note. Tell Chad she was sorry. Drive her and Chad to Tony's party, even though I wasn't invited. Well, I'm sick of being treated this way.
(painting furiously)
I will not be her emmasculated human hanky puppet boy anymore!

     CHLOE
That's what you told her?

     NORRIS
No, that's what took fifteen years to surface.
(sits down in frustration)

     CHLOE
Uh, you know, you could call her.
(goes to the phone)

     NORRIS
No, I couldn't.
(beat)
Could I?

     CHLOE
(phone in hand)
What if she's alone? What if no guy has ever measured up to her friend, Norris? What if she lies in bed calling your name, "Norris! Norris! Why won't you call?"

     NORRIS
I'm coming Helen.

Chloe hands Norris the phone.

INT. HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

Mom is sitting on the couch, watching television. Ford comes rushing in.

     FORD
Mom, hey, I've got company. No more T.V..
(takes the remote to turn off the TV)

     MOM
(in subtitles)
But it took me an hour to turn it on.
(leaves)

Ford goes about cleaning the living room up. Bruce walks in.

     BRUCE
Ford.

     FORD
Yeah. Hey.

     BRUCE
Don't worry about it.

     FORD
Oh, I...

     BRUCE
Place looks fine.

     FORD
Okay.
(chuckling, beat)
You know, would you like a drink? I know I could use a stiff one.
(turns around wincing, V.O.)
Shut up! Shut up!

INT. HOUSE - ATTIC - NIGHT

Norris is on the phone.

     NORRIS
(on phone)
Uh, no, no, no, no, Helen. And you're engaged to a doctor, isn't that nice.

Chloe mouths the word "Damn!"

     NORRIS
(continuing, on phone)
But you're having second thoughts.
(high fives Chloe)

     CHLOE
Ask her out to dinner.

     NORRIS
(on phone)
Helen, uh, hey, you wanna grab dinner some time? You know, next time I'm in Cincinatti.

Norris nods to Chloe and they both dance.

     NORRIS
(continuing, on phone)
Helen? Helen. Wha'? No, don't cry. Oh, please don't cry. What's wrong?

Chloe does some body expression as she mouths the word, "No!"

     NORRIS
(holding her off, on phone)
Well, well, listen, I'm sure he'll have a lot more time for you once he perfects that vaccine.

     CHLOE
(grabs the phone from Norris)
Give this!
(on phone)
Leave the man alone. He suffered enough.

     NORRIS
(taking back the phone)
Okay, give me, give me, give me.
(on phone)
Uh, sorry, we're getting a little crosstalk from a baby monitor.

Chloe takes off her one glove.

INT. VETERNARY CLINIC - NIGHT

Suzanne is standing up, frustrated, while Hunter is sitting down reading a First Aid pamphlet.

     SUZANNE
(sitting down)
If Toby doesn't make it, I don't know what I'll do.

Hunter puts down the magazine and looks at her questionably.

     HUNTER
His name is Toby?
(beat)
Great, now he has another reason to die.
(goes back to reading)

     SUZANNE
What am I gonna tell Ford?

     HUNTER
What is with you? It's a mouse. Why would Ford care?

     SUZANNE
(retort)
Because Ford loved Toby!
(beat)
We used to lie awake at night, listening to him squeak. But, first, it was kind of annoying, but after awhile, it just sounded like he was saying, "Hello".
(beat)
When things got really bad between me and Ford, those little "hellos" were one of the few things we could still laugh about.

     HUNTER
You got to let him go.

     SUZANNE
Ford or Toby?

     HUNTER
Both. But, Toby is stuck to a block of styrofoam right now, so, Toby first.
(beat)
Look, I know that losing a husband and vermin is hard, but you're gonna be fine.

     SUZANNE
Yeah, but what if I never meet anybody else? You know, or I'll get stuck with one of those second husbands. You know, the kind who won't go to Europe because they don't want to miss "Wheel".

     HUNTER
C'mon. You're gonna be fine. Look at Ford. I mean, yesterday he never thought he'd meet anyone, and right now he's out on a date with a great guy.

     SUZANNE
(turning around, shocked)
Ford is out on a date already?

     HUNTER
(oops)
See, this is why I have so much sex, so I don't have to talk!
(throws the pamphlet in frustration)

     SUZANNE
(frustrated now)
Last week, I was asked out by an investment banker with a house in the Hamptons and exceptional hair plugs. But I said, "No," because I thought it was too soon. He could have been my last chance at happiness.

     HUNTER
Look, Suzanne, you know, guys are gonna be all over you. You're, you're intelligent, and you're sophisticated, and you're successful. And if you don't mind me saying, you're incredibly sexy.

     SUZANNE
(agrees with statement)
I don't mind you saying that.
(beat)
You could say it again if you'd like.
(beat)
Thanks, Hunter.

     HUNTER
(comforting Suzanne)
You okay?

     SUZANNE
Yeah, yeah. Oh, well, I'm glad Ford is dating. I really do want him to be happy.

The doctor comes back.

     DR. RINALDI
Uh, it doesn't look good for your mouse.

     SUZANNE
What are you waiting for? Get the hammer.
(leaves)

INT. HOUSE - KITCHEN - NIGHT

Chloe is making herself some food. Norris walks down the kitchen stairs carrying some old stuff.

     NORRIS
Garbage.
(beat)
I don't need these eighties stuff anymore. I'm ready to enter the nineties.

     CHLOE
Yeah, I made you a sandwich. It's turkey, avocado, cheese, and Helen passed up a really great guy.
(holding back tears)
Wheat bread okay?

     NORRIS
Yeah, thanks.

     CHLOE
You're welcome.

Norris does the moonwalk and then dumps his old junk into the garbage bin. Chloe looks on and smiles.

     CHLOE
(looking into the backyard)
Oh, hey, there's Ford and his date. They look pretty cozy.

EXT. HOUSE - BACKYARD - NIGHT

Ford and Bruce are sitting at the patio table, very close to each other.

     FORD
So, I guess with four generation of lawyers before me, I didn't really have much of a choice.

     BRUCE
Right. My dad flew fighter planes. I guess you could say I was a military brat, always moving from state to state. God, I resented him. We didn't talk for years. Then one day, he had a massive heartattack. Died.
(sighs)

     FORD
(comforting Bruce, arm on his back)
I'm sorry.

     BRUCE
Life's so fragile, you know. You always think we have tomorrow...

Ford comforts Bruce even more and gets closer to him and aims for a kiss, when...

     BRUCE
(pulling up an insurance form between them, continuing)
And that's why it's important to have life insurance. And that is exactly what I have for you, my friend.

     FORD
(confused)
Life insurance?

     BRUCE
The very best.
(unfolds the form)
Brown Mutual Life Insurance, because we're around when you're not.

Ford backs away in confusion, and disappointment, not knowing what is happening.

     BRUCE
(puts the paper in front of Ford, pen in hand, continuing)
You know, from spending the last few hours with you, Ford. Can I call you, Ford? I can see that our Millennium Plan best suits your needs. I just sold it to my girlfriend.

     FORD
You have a girlfriend?

     BRUCE
Woah, hey, guy, I have a girlfriend until the next one comes along. All right? All right. Take a look at this form.

     FORD
(V.O., disappointed look)
Well, this can't possibly get any worse.

Music is played from the kitchen. The music is "I Can't Fight This Feeling" by REO Speedwagon. Ford looks over at the kitchen and sees Norris opening the kitchen window, and giving him two-thumbs up and two okay hand signals. Ford looks up in frustration and anguish.

TAG

INT. HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

Ford and Suzanne are sitting next to each other on the couch. Suzanne pours two glasses of vodka.

     SUZANNE
So, let me get this right. You went out on a date with a straight guy.
(all smiling and smug)

     FORD
Yes, and you got it right the other four times you gleefully said it.
(takes one of the vodka drinks)

     SUZANNE
(happy)
And you'd think the thrill would wear off.
(beat)
But it doesn't.
(beat)
Ah, look, I'm kidding. And I'm sorry it didn't work out. But, I mean, c'mon, it was just your first date.

Hunter and Norris enters.

     FORD
You know, I guess it serves me right for not being totally honest with you.

     SUZANNE
Well, I thought when we separated, we agreed that there was nothing we wouldn't tell each other.

     HUNTER
(sitting next to Suzanne, whispering to Suzanne)
Hey, did you tell him about Toby?

     SUZANNE
(whispering to Hunter)
Shut up!

     FORD
(picks up a beer bottle)
I just--I can't believe I spent a whole night with a guy trying to sell me insurance.

     NORRIS
(smug)
Yeah, at least, my guy was gay.

Suzanne and Hunter look over at Norris questionably.

     FORD
What am I gonna do? I have no gaydar.

     SUZANNE
Uh! You and me both, baby.

     FORD
Well, you know, I do deserve some credit for putting myself out there. And the night wasn't a total loss. Bruce is a great kisser.

     SUZANNE & HUNTER
What?

     FORD
(smug)
Oh, he'll do anything to close the deal.
(takes a swig from the beer bottle)