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OPENING
INT. HOUSE - KITCHEN - DAY
Hunter and Norris are in the kitchen eating some sort of breakfast by the sink. Ford has come in to look for some clean plates for food.
FORD
(checking the cupboards)
Well, that's it, we're officially out of clean plates.
NORRIS
(eating)
Check the dishwasher.
HUNTER
(eating)
We have a dishwasher?
Ford walks over and opens the dishwasher, only to be disappointed.
FORD
(closing the dishwasher and turning it on)
Will it kill you guys to run this thing every now and then?
HUNTER
(still eating)
So, that's what that noise is.
NORRIS
Ford, c'mon and eat with us. Pull up at the sink.
Ford walks over to the refridgerator and opens it.
FORD
(taking the milk carton)
No, it's fine. I'm late. I'm just gonna...
(shaking it, finding it empty, he throws it into the bin)
I'm just gonna grab something quick, 'cause...
(takes the orange juice, finds it empty and throws it into the bin)
(beat, grabs his suitcase)
You know what, I'll just, uh, pick up some groceries on the way home from work, you know, 'cause I haven't done the shopping since YESTERDAY!
(leaves)
NORRIS
(picking on bread)
Yeah, well, we bought all the groceries before you moved in, so you owe us!
(beat)
Lawyer.
HUNTER
(eating)
I love cream cheese.
NORRIS
(eating)
That's cottage cheese, and now we're out of both.
Hunter inspects the container.
NORRIS
(continuing)
Hey, you know what? We should call Ford on the cell and have him pick up some more after work.
HUNTER
He said only to call him if it was an emergency.
NORRIS
So, tell him I fell down a well, and he should pick up some cream cheese.
(looking for phone)
Where's the phone?
HUNTER
I don't know. Hit the pager.
Norris pushes the pager. The sound rings from above.
HUNTER
(continuing)
Sounds like it's coming from Ford's room. Hit it again.
Norris hits it again and follows Hunter up the kitchen stairs.
INT. HOUSE - FORD'S ROOM - DAY
Hunter opens the door to Ford's room which is a emmaculate, clean and beautifully decorated, organized room. Norris is right behind him. They scan out his room and are astonished and amazed.
HUNTER
(continuing, amazed)
Woah... it's beautiful.
NORRIS
I haven't been in Ford's room since he moved his stuff in, have you?
HUNTER
(still amazed)
It's beautiful.
ACT ONE
INT. HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - DAY
Chloe has arrived with her laundry. Hunter is standing next to her. Norris is sitting down on the sofa chair, watching Ford's big screen TV.
HUNTER
I love it when you do laundry over here, Chloe. I'm just excited that we're hanging out together as father and daughter.
CHLOE
I'm excited too. And if you didn't have a washer and dryer, I'll still come over, you know, for food.
(she heads off)
HUNTER
Hey, don't forget to stop by work tomorrow. I've got a big surprise for you.
CHLOE
Ooh, it'll be hard to sleep tonight.
Ford enters from the front door carrying a bag of groceries. Hunter sits on the couch near Norris.
FORD
Groceries are here. I've picked up milk and O.J. and I see you've picked up my T.V..
NORRIS
(remote in hand)
This thing is great. Hunter took a vacation today, and we've been watching "Taxicab Confessions" for ten hours straight.
INT. ON TV - DAY
On TV, a man and a woman are sitting in the rear seat of the taxicab.
MAN IN TAXI
Thanks for coming to the party tonight, honey. I hope it wasn't too boring.
WOMAN IN TAXI
Not at all. When you were sucking up to your boss, I was having sex with a couple of the waiters.
MAN IN TAXI
I was not sucking up.
INT. HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - DAY
HUNTER
This is so well written.
NORRIS
You know, it's real.
HUNTER
Tsch, that's what they want you to think. It's like that crab they serve at those salad bars.
NORRIS
I love that stuff.
HUNTER
Ha-ha, me too. It's not crab though.
FORD
(frustrated)
Much as I hate to interrupt this Algonquin roundtable repartée. Don't you think you guys should've asked me before you brought my T.V. downstairs?
HUNTER
All properties are communal. It's one of the rules of the house.
NORRIS
That's right.
(pulls out his Garfield cushion from behind him)
That's why everybody's allowed to use my Garfield cushion.
(tosses cushion to Hunter)
FORD
Who exactly makes these rules?
NORRIS
I do. I'm the president of the house.
(beat)
I won in a landslide.
HUNTER
I didn't vote.
(beat)
I mean, what can one vote do?
Ford, frustrated with them, leaves.
INT. CONSTRUCTION TRAILER - DAY
Sal, Hunter's boss, is teaching a small group of young girls and Chloe about hardhat safety.
SAL
And that's why construction site safety is so important.
The girls are listening attentively. Chloe is bored out of her misery. Behind her, a sign reads, "BRING YOUR DAUGHTER TO WORK DAY".
SAL
(continuing)
Of course, if a girder fell on your head, it wouldn't matter if your hardhat was made out of titanium because all you have left was a big spot with hair.
HUNTER
(interrupting Sal)
Okay, Sal, thank you. Thank you.
(to girls)
Sal Peretti, kids, owner of Peretti Brothers Construction.
(claps)
The girls clap along with Hunter.
HUNTER
(continuing)
So, who wants rice crispy treats out by the cememt mixer?
GIRLS
(in unison)
Yeah.
HUNTER
Bye Tiffany. Bye Tiffany. Bye Jennifer. Bye Tiffany. Bye Amanda Tiffany.
(gives a sign of relief)
SAL
Thanks for helping me out there. I'm not real good with kids.
HUNTER
No, no, you were great.
SAL
Yeah.
(to Chloe)
You're kinda big for a ten year old.
(leaves the trailer)
CHLOE
By the way, Hunter, great surprise. I was, you know, totally expecting something fun.
EXT. PARK - DAY
Norris and Hunter are walking in the park. Hunter is walking Mom.
NORRIS
(playing with a baseball)
Chloe didn't go for your big surprise, huhn?
HUNTER
Well, she did change the sign to "Bring Your Daughter to Work Day Sucks".
(beat)
She tries to blame it on one of the Tiffany's but I recognized her handwriting.
NORRIS
Hunter, maybe you should show some interest in her life, instead of always trying to get her interested in yours.
HUNTER
Uh, that's good advice. Thanks, buddy. You've always been my Go-To guy.
NORRIS
(seeing the art critic)
I'm gonna be sick. It's that damn art critic from the Village Voice. She hates all my paintings and two that she just thought I did.
(beat, to art critic)
Hey, what're you listening to?
The art critic comes sauntering up. Her hair is green and befuddled.
ART CRITIC
Nothing. I keep these on so people won't talk to me.
NORRIS
I thought the haircut did that.
ART CRITIC
Shouldn't you be off defacing a canvas somewhere?
NORRIS
Oh! Oh, let me guess. You hated my exhibit at the Zoe gallery?
ART CRITIC
Truth? I found it derivative and lacking in discipline...
(looks him up and down)
...much like your outfit.
(leaves)
NORRIS
(to Hunter)
What's wrong with my outfit?
HUNTER
Dude, you got a whole papa smurf thing happening there.
(takes ball from Norris)
This will cheer you up. Watch. I taught Mom a new trick.
(throws the ball)
Mom just looks at the ball and then lies down, unmoving.
HUNTER
(continuing)
I'll go get it.
(runs off after the ball)
MOM
(in subtitles)
He's getting good at that.
INT. HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - NIGHT
Hunter and Ford are sitting down listening to Norris. Ford is absolutely bored or uncaring as to what is coming from Norris's mouth. Norris is holding a clipboard with rules. On the clipboard is the symbol of the Presidency.
NORRIS
(remote in hand)
Next on the house meeting agenda. Rule sixteen, when finished with the television remote, always return it to the remote holster unless there's a sandwich in it.
(takes sandwich and hands it to Hunter)
Hunter starts eating the sandwich.
HUNTER
Hey, it's still warm.
FORD
Norris, this is ridiculous.
NORRIS
(interrupting, to Hunter)
Excuse me. Sergeant-of-Arms, will you please remind the gentleman from Chicago what my title is?
(displaying the symbol on the clipboard to Ford)
FORD
Captain Jackass?
(beat)
Look, I'm not going to call you President. We've been at this for an hour.
NORRIS
Look, you're the one who called this meeting, so you could learn the rules of the house.
Ford is about to speak. Norris interrupts him.
NORRIS
(continuing)
Rule seventeen...
(sits down on couch)
...if a person is sitting in your normal spot on the couch...
(gets up and moves over)
...they must move and sit somewhere else.
FORD
I move for a vote of "no-confidence" in President Norris. You don't know how to run a meeting. You're not using Robert's Rules of Order.
NORRIS
Okay, how's this for rules? You're not allowed to speak ever.
(to Hunter)
Put that in the big book.
FORD
No, that's it. I've had it with empty milk cartons and stupid rules. I'm running for President.
NORRIS
What? You can't do that.
HUNTER
Actually, according to the big book...
NORRIS
(interrupting)
Oh, good, now you're helping?
(beat, to Ford)
Just give it up, Ford. You'll never win.
(walks away)
FORD
(catching up with Norris)
Oh, really? 'Cause the way I see it, if we had the election right now, it'll be thirty-three percent for you, thirty-three percent for me, and thirty-three percent eating couch meat.
(looks over at Hunter)
HUNTER
The sandwich is dry. It needs mayo.
(takes another bite)
FORD
(on Hunter's words, goes up to him)
I can get you mayo, and let me tell you how. We'll put a chart up in the kitchen, so we'll know when we're out of what and who's in charge of buying it.
HUNTER
I'm listening.
FORD
(address Hunter from the side)
And we'll each have a color, so we know who's who on the chart.
HUNTER
You're losing me.
(gets up and walks off toward the stairs)
FORD
(chasing after Hunter)
Uh, we'll all have our own shelf in the fridge, and, uh, we'll get new bath mats, and I'll put a jukebox in the living room.
HUNTER
(interested)
Jukebox!? This place will be like a sports bar.
NORRIS
Oh, all right, hey, hey, hey, empty promises.
HUNTER
(to Ford)
Can I pick the records?
FORD
You betcha!
HUNTER
(shakes Ford's hand)
Woo-hoo! I have never been so excited about politics. You've got my vote, mister.
(heads up the stairs)
Ford heads back to sit down.
NORRIS
(catches up with Hunter)
Hey, hey, hey, have you forgotten who got you a shower curtain?
HUNTER
You found that on the street.
NORRIS
I did not.
(heads towards the kitchen, to Ford)
I found the coffee maker on the street.
Ford decides not to drink the coffee which he is about to sip.
INT. HOUSE - DINING ROOM - NIGHT
Hunter, Norris, Ford, Suzanne, and Chloe are sitting together at the table having a nice dinner meal.
SUZANNE
Well, you've unpacked all your stuff down here. You're, uh, really settling in.
(sips wine)
FORD
Oh, yeah, love this place. And the guys even elected me President.
Norris is irked by that statement.
SUZANNE
Ooh, that'll be great for your college transcripts.
FORD
Hey, somebody around here has to run a tight ship.
SUZANNE
(putting down the wine)
Oh, yes, I remember that ship. When we were together, I was the first mate on the U.S.S. Anal Retentive.
(beat)
I once lost toaster priviledges because I left crumbs in the butter.
NORRIS
Really? I forgot to clean the can opener, and now I can't have soup for a month.
(looks at Ford)
And I love soup.
HUNTER
(pats Ford's back)
Well, I think President Ford rocks.
(to the girls)
Guess who's the new undersecretary of music picking?
CHLOE
(looks at them strangely)
How old are you guys?
The doorbell rings. Norris gets up.
NORRIS
(takes the napkin)
Apparently still young enough to use napkins shaped like little sailboats.
(displays the napkin)
FORD
Uh, they happen to be conquistador helmets. But obviously somebody completely missed tonight's spanish theme.
(tips the dish to Norris)
Hello, paella.
NORRIS
(unravels the napkin and throws it at Ford)
Comb out the butter, you lunatic.
(heads towards front door)
FORD
(wrapping napkin)
So, Suzanne, I bet now that my furnitures gone, the den's looking pretty sparse.
SUZANNE
Oh, no, I turned it into a workout room. Tae-bo every morning seven-thirty, followed by a thirty minute run on my brand new treadmill, and fifteen minutes on my new rowing machine.
FORD
Wow, well, you know, but other than that stuff,
(quieter)
I bet it's sparse.
Katrina, Hunter's new plaything, enters, followed by Norris.
KATRINA
Hunter, honey. Katrina's back.
(kisses Hunter)
HUNTER
Hi.
MOM
(in subtitles)
She smells like peanuts.
HUNTER
Uh, you remember Norris, and this is Ford, and, uh, that's Suzanne there with the vice grip on the Merlot. And, uh, this is my daughter, Chloe.
KATRINA
Oh!
CHLOE
(childlike voice)
You're pretty. Will you brush my hair?
HUNTER
(feeling uncomfortable, to Katrina)
Well, thanks for stopping by.
KATRINA
(chuckles)
I have to leave early in the morning, so I'm going up to bed.
(beat)
Don't be too long.
Chloe is disappointed at Hunter. Hunter doesn't know what to do. Ford takes his cue.
FORD
(carrying some plates)
Well, who wants flan?
NORRIS
(takes more plates)
Yeah, that sounds good.
Ford and Norris head off to the kitchen.
CHLOE
A stewardess? You're like the worst stereotype, ever.
HUNTER
Oh, no, Katrina's not a stewardess. She works for Amtrak.
CHLOE
Doing what?
HUNTER
(hesitant)
She pushes a cart up and down the aisle and passes out pretzels and sodas.
SUZANNE
Well, sure beats stripping.
(laughs)
Need to leave.
(gets up)
CHLOE
Uh, wanna share a cab?
SUZANNE
Do you have any money?
CHLOE
No.
SUZANNE
Well, that doesn't sound like sharing, but okay.
Suzanne heads off, followed by Chloe. Ford and Norris re-enter from the kitchen carrying plates of Flan. Hunter is upset. They all sit down.
HUNTER
Damn! My daughter thinks I'm a complete sleazebag.
KATRINA
(O.S.)
All aboard!
HUNTER
Well, there's my train.
(gets up and leaves)
INT. TAXI CAB - NIGHT
Suzanne and Chloe are sitting in the rear seat of taxi cab.
SUZANNE
It's nice to see Ford is so happy in his new position as the third stooge.
CHLOE
Don't say it.
SUZANNE
What? Larry, Curly and Big Moe.
(laughs)
CHLOE
How about Katrina the Amtram?
SUZANNE
Ugh. Could she show any more of her kaboos?
CHLOE
And those shoes, talk about slut heels.
SUZANNE
(chuckling and then realizing)
I'm wearing those shoes.
CHLOE
And they look good on you.
INT. HOUSE - KITCHEN - NIGHT
Ford is rinsing the dishes at the sink, while Hunter is putting them in the dishwasher.
FORD
So, Suzanne seems to be dealing with our separation really well.
(less enthusiastic)
I'm really happy for her.
HUNTER
I don't know why, but I really loved her shoes.
FORD
So, what happened to Katrina?
HUNTER
Ah, I asked her to leave. I got a little weirded out that she and Chloe met.
FORD
Wow, I'm impressed. You actually turned down non-committal sex with a girl in the travel industry?
Norris enters into the kitchen, helping out
HUNTER
I've never said that.
(beat)
You know, I don't know why, but every time I try to connect with Chloe, I just crash and burn. I'll never gonna pull this dad thing off.
Norris wants to say something, but...
FORD
Well, dude, you keep trying all these random things. Why don't you try to find something more Chloe-specific?
HUNTER
Dude, that's a great idea. You're helluva Go-To guy.
Norris is now pissed, passes them abruptly, and dumps the dishes in his hands in the dishwasher. Ford and Hunter notices. Norris rushes off.
FORD
(to Norris)
Uh, you've skipped a few steps there. Remember, it's... Hunter?
HUNTER
(showing the dishes Norris dropped)
Rinse, load, lock.
NORRIS
You, both, suck.
(turns around and leaves)
HUNTER
(yelling)
You just bought yourself two more months without soup, mister!
ACT TWO
INT. HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - DAY
Hunter is asleep on the couch. Ford walks in, dressed for work, carrying two cups of coffee.
FORD
Hey, did you sleep down here again last night?
(offers Hunter a cup)
HUNTER
(takes cup)
I must have dozed off during "Taxicab Confessions". I think Rutger Hauer played the cab driver.
FORD
Hunter, the show is real. They don't use actors. Although I grant you, Rutger Hauer may now be driving a cab.
Norris enters from the front door, coffee in hand.
NORRIS
Hey, Hunter, did you see the paper? It wasn't on the stoop.
FORD
Oh, I cancelled delivery. It's a waste of money.
NORRIS
Yeah, right. You're just afraid that news of the outside world will breed discontent among the masses and topple your facist pig-dog regime.
FORD
Well, for the masses' information, we don't need the paper. I get the Times at work, and Hunter gets all his news from the T.V..
HUNTER
Hey, Mike Piazza grew his sideburns back.
FORD
(to Norris)
You might wanna get with the program. Oh, and here's a tip for ya, sandals aren't shoes, hippie.
(walks off to the kitchen)
NORRIS
(peeved, goes over to Hunter)
Listen, Hunter, I know that things seem like they're better around here, but don't you miss being able to make your own decisions?
HUNTER
You always made my decisions for me.
NORRIS
I know. That's what I mean. Don't you miss that?
Ford comes back in carrying two lunch bags. He tosses one to Hunter.
FORD
Hey, don't forget it's Wednesday. You know what that means.
HUNTER
(gets up, excited)
It's pizza night! Woo-hoo!
NORRIS
(upset)
I had pizza last night.
FORD
(to Norris)
Oh, what you do on your own time is your own concern.
(leaves)
NORRIS
(screaming, to Ford)
Good, you mean, like hiring a hitman?
INT. CONSTRUCTION TRAILER - DAY
Chloe is waiting patiently inside with Sal. Hunter comes running in.
HUNTER
Chloe, hey, thanks for stopping by. I hope you weren't waiting too long.
CHLOE
No problem. Sal and I were just enjoying an uncomfortable silence together.
SAL
I thought we were having a staring contest. You're good.
CHLOE
(grabs a soda from Hunter)
So, what's the big surprise this time? Is Cookie Monster at the mall?
HUNTER
No.
(grabs tickets from pocket)
I got us two tickets to the Moby concert.
CHLOE
How did you know I like Moby?
HUNTER
Well, the last time I was at your place, I jotted down some names of your CDs.
(takes out a piece of paper)
And, uh, I couldn't get tickets to the Chemical Brothers, Björk isn't touring, and no one at ticketmaster has even heard of Quicken four-point-o.
CHLOE
Um, thanks, but I already got some Moby tickets from some friends from school.
(beat)
But, yeah, I mean, I guess you can bring that train lady. She seemed nice.
HUNTER
Now, you know, I'm guessing the last thing you really want at a concert is your father in the background waving a lighter and screaming "Free Bird".
(beat, hands the tickets to Chloe)
Why don't you take some more of your friends?
CHLOE
(taking tickets from Hunter)
Thanks, Hunter. But when Quicken four-point-o comes to town, we're so there.
(leaves trailer)
Hunter is a little sullen.
SAL
I think you're trying too hard.
(beat)
Hey, I'm not a child psychologist, but I'm gonna tell you something about kids. When you push, they pull. When you pull, they push. Very rarely do you ever have the pushing and pulling happen at the same time. Capisce?
HUNTER
Yeah, yeah, I guess I just have to let things happen at their own pace. Is that what you're saying?
SAL
Not at all.
(beat, quicker)
When you push, they pull. When they pull, you push. What part don't you understand?
INT. HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - NIGHT
Ford, Hunter, and Norris are sitting down. Hunter is reading a magazine. Norris is somewhat in meditation position.
FORD
(to Hunter)
Would you cut off your toe for a million dollars?
HUNTER
Depends on the toe.
The lights automatically turn off.
FORD
Welp, that means it's eleven-fifteen and time for bed.
(throws Garfield cushion at Norris)
NORRIS
(catching Garfield)
What? What, wait, you gotta be kidding me.
HUNTER
(excited)
All right, I'm not even tired, but okay.
(follows after Ford)
NORRIS
Well, I'm not going to bed, because I don't have to get up early to read the paper.
(turns on TV)
INT. ON TV - NIGHT
TV Anchor. On the screen is a picture of Norris and Ford duking it out. While on the bottom reads: "Breaking News, Showdown in Brooklyn".
TV ANCHOR
WKZN news presents a special report: Showdown in Brooklyn. In a shocking blow to freedom, President Norris has been replaced by ruthless, amoral attorney, Ford. Gretchen.
Gretchen is standing in Prospect Park, Brooklyn, mike in hand.
GRETCHEN
Thanks, Bill. I'm here in Prospect Park to find out how people are coping with this brutal, totalitarian regime.
Hunter walks by playing with a football.
GRETCHEN
(continuing)
Excuse me, sir. How are you handling this tragic turn of events?
HUNTER
Tragic?
(chuckles)
Wake up, people, c'mon. President Ford is much better than that old what's-his-face.
(looks at her)
Well, enough about politics.
(takes Gretchen in arms and kisses her, then looks in camera)
Thanks, Ford.
GRETCHEN
(stunned)
Yeah, thanks, Ford.
INT. HOUSE - ATTIC - NORRIS' ROOM - NIGHT
Norris suddenly wakes up from his nightmare, Garfield cushion by his side.
NORRIS
Oh! Oh, my god.
(breathes a sigh of relief, then turns over to his side)
ART CRITIC
(in bed, next to Norris)
Your love making was derivative and lacking in discipline.
Norris wakes up screaming.
NORRIS
OH MY GOD!
(checks beside him)
INT. HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - NIGHT
Ford and Hunter are playing a game on the playstation.
FORD
Would you cut off your toe for a million dollars?
HUNTER
In a second.
Some noise racket is heard above them.
FORD
(checks his watch, getting up upset)
What the hell is Norris doing up there? You know it's after ten. He's deliberately violating noise curfew.
HUNTER
Relax, dude, it's only five after.
FORD
Yeah, and tomorrow it'll be ten after, and then a quarter after, and before you know it, it's twenty after!
HUNTER
Dude, that's really not that late.
FORD
That's not the point, all right? We need rules. We need structure. Otherwise, we're just animals in nice pants.
(beat, notices Hunter's pants)
Some of us.
Some more noise racket comes from upstairs from Norris' room.
FORD
(continuing, frustrated)
Oh, god, that twerp has been challenging my supremacy all week!
(takes Hunter's drink and coaster away with him and heads up the stairs)
HUNTER
Hey, I wasn't finished with that.
FORD
You're finished when I say you're finished, and you're finished!
(runs up the stairs)
HUNTER
(yelling)
Then how come I'm still thirsty?
INT. HOUSE - ATTIC - NORRIS' ROOM - NIGHT
Norris is moving a couch. He has redecorated the attic to resemble the living room. Ford rushes up the stairs.
FORD
(pointing to his watch)
It is ten-o-seven!
(beat)
What is this? Some miniature version of the old living room?
NORRIS
(sitting down)
It's not really miniature, Ford. It is the old living room.
FORD
(entering, and notices the sandwich)
Hey, hey, you know the rule, no sandwiches without a plate.
(tries to grab the sandwich)
NORRIS
(protecting the sandwich from Ford)
Hey, hey, woah, hey, back off you freak.
(grabs sandwich)
You might have taken over the rest of the house, but I'm not giving up this attic without a fight.
(in en-garde mode with sandwich in hand)
FORD
I have't taken over anything, all right? I'm just trying to make this dump a little more liveable.
NORRIS
Just because your life is totally screwed up, doesn't mean you have to move in and screw up mine.
FORD
Oh, my life is screwed up? My life? You're the one making noise after curfew, and eatting pizza on the wrong night!
NORRIS
Ford, will you listen to yourself?
(throwing a tantrum, jumping up and down)
People fought wars just so we could eat pizza on the wrong night.
FORD
(sitting down)
You know, you're right. I have been taking this whole "President of the House" thing way too seriously. God, I was up to five last night thinking of ways to organize the cutlery.
NORRIS
(sitting down)
You sure it's not just because you're gay?
FORD
No, I color code my ties because I'm gay. The cutlery was...
(pushes the thought aside, beat)
Just ever since Suzanne and I split up, I just felt lost. You know, it doesn't help that she's moved on so easily.
NORRIS
(sitting by Ford)
Listen, Ford, when the big things are spiraling out of your control, you just like the cling to the little ones, like crumb-free butter and napkins folded like little helmets. And what's with that insane sponge hierarchy?
FORD
It's really simple. It's red for dishes, blue for counter, green...
(notices Norris' uninterested face)
Yeah, maybe I should step down as President.
(slaps Norris on the knee)
You can have your old job back.
NORRIS
No, forget it. I'm making way too much on the lecture circuit.
(beat)
So, uh, how does President Hunter sound?
FORD
Ah-ha, like we're gonna have a house full of interns.
Norris chuckles.
INT. HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - NIGHT
Hunter is sitting quietly watching television. Norris and Ford come walking down the stairs.
FORD
(continuing)
Hey, and I know a place that they can delous that Garfield pillow.
HUNTER
Well, you're both still standing, so I guess you worked out all your territorial crap.
NORRIS
(sitting next to Hunter, surprised)
Wait a minute. You've been just pretending not to notice what's been going on in the house?
HUNTER
Hey, when a new element joins a pre-existing social pairing, any aggressive tendencies between individuals must be reconciled without interference from a third party, thereby reducing resentment and further tearing of the social fabric.
NORRIS
Where did you learn all that?
HUNTER
From an unauthorized David Lee Roth biography. It's why Van Halen broke up.
(beat)
Hey, check it out. It's a new episode of "Taxicab Confessions".
INT. ON TV - NIGHT
Suzanne and Chloe are sitting in the rear seat of the taxicab.
CHLOE
Ford's furniture looked good in their living room.
SUZANNE
Ford's furniture looked good in my living room.
INT. HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - NIGHT
Hunter is surprised and looks over at Ford.
FORD
This must have been shot last week.
HUNTER
Wow, so the show is real.
(to Norris)
You were right. This time.
INT. ON TV - NIGHT
SUZANNE
Ford is totally moved on.
CHLOE
Yeah, well, you moved on too. I mean, uh, you know, what about that new workout room you were talking about?
SUZANNE
It's just a room with a dusty Soloflex surrounded by empties.
(sighs)
I'm miserable. I hate living alone. My apartment is a sty. And I have sponges that I have no idea what to do with.
CHLOE
Yeah, well, try hanging out with Hunter, okay? He's either trying to force eighteen years of fatherhood on me, or he's getting his ticket punched on the last train to bonkville.
SUZANNE
You're so right. Hunter's such a horndog loser...
CHLOE
(interrupting)
Woah! Uh, he might be a womanizing slob, but he's my dad.
INT. HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - NIGHT
HUNTER
(jumps up in joy)
She called me DAD!
FORD
(excited too)
And Suzanne's miserable. This is great!
(gives Hunter a high-five)
NORRIS
(jumps up too)
All right!
(gives Hunter a high-five)
Now that we're all friends again... Ford, I was a little ticked off last week about you cancelling the paper, so I may have thrown out your discman.
FORD
I don't have a discman.
HUNTER
(to Norris)
That was mine!
NORRIS
(not knowing to do, points at the TV)
Chloe called you dad.
TAG
INT. TAXICAB - NIGHT
Hunter is making out with a girl.
HUNTER
(to taxicab driver)
Hey, buddy, can I get a tape of this later?
(goes back to kissing)
TAXI DRIVER
What are you talking about?
HUNTER
Oh! Right, right, I get it. There's no camera in here. Hi, Norris. Hi, Ford.
(beat)
Hey, do you know Rutger Hauer?
(goes back to making love with the girl)
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