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OPENING
INT. HOUSE - KITCHEN - DAY
Hunter is sitting on a counter eating breakfast, while Norris is standing reading a newspaper. Ford comes down the kitchen stairs, carrying the cable bill.
FORD
Hey, I figured out the cable bill. I owe sixteen-seventy. Hunter, you owe twenty-two-seventy.
(writing on the bill)
HUNTER
Why do I owe more?
FORD
Because I'm pretty sure I didn't order "Shakespeare in Lust."
Norris looks over at Hunter.
HUNTER
What? It won the Oscar.
NORRIS
(to Ford)
Well, how much do I owe?
FORD
Does it matter? You never have any money.
NORRIS
For your information, as of today, I've got plenty of money.
(closes the newspaper)
HUNTER
Buddy, did you sell a painting?
NORRIS
Nope, I sold some internal organs.
(lifts up his shirt to display a skeletal, bloody mess)
Hunter and Ford scream in unison, which then leads to Norris screaming in bed.
NORRIS
(realizing)
Oh, okay, that's it. Tomorrow I get a real job.
(checks himself for organs)
Wait a minute. Liver. Spleen. Pancreas.
(shrug and then checks under the covers)
Oh, good. Ha-ha. Everybody's still there.
ACT ONE
INT. HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - DAY
Hunter and Ford are sitting on the couch. Ford is working on a brief. Hunter is reading a newspaper. Chloe enters, script in hand, and sits down.
HUNTER
Hey, look. Today's celebrity's birthdays. Sean "Puff Daddy" Combs is twenty-nine. Walter "Old Daddy" Cronkite is eighty-three.
(happy)
And, look, Chloe "I'm Her Daddy" Sheffield turns nineteen tomorrow.
CHLOE
(surprised)
Woah. How did you know my birthday is tomorrow?
HUNTER
I may have looked at your driver's license.
CHLOE
You went into my purse?
HUNTER
No! Mom was chewing on your wallet, and I took it away from her.
(beat)
I saved everything for you except for your fake i.d., Miss Lucia Garibaldi.
(beat)
You realize what this means, young lady?
(excited)
We are going to have to have a birthday party.
CHLOE
No. No, no, we don't. I hate birthday parties. And, besides, I gotta work on this script for my new student film.
HUNTER
I can't believe you'd let homework interfere with your birthday. You know what I was doing when I turned nineteen?
(realizing)
Well, I don't want you doing that.
Ford smiles.
CHLOE
Look, Hunter, I appreciate your enthusiasm. Kinda the way I appreciate those people who spray perfume on me at Macy's.
(gets up)
I know they're just doing their jobs, but I'm only there to use the bathroom.
(leaving)
HUNTER
Well, at least come for dinner.
CHLOE
(turning around)
Okay, okay, but no big stupid party hats.
HUNTER
Sure. Sure.
Ford looks over at Hunter.
HUNTER
(continuing, to Ford)
They're big, but they're not stupid.
(gets up and leaves)
FORD
You mean the, uh, Barbie hats with the chin straps?
(sarcastic)
Yeah, they're not stupid.
Chloe is in the closet getting her stuff.
CHLOE
(seeing her jacket torn, gets upset)
Ah, man, Mom!
FORD
(getting up to help)
What?
CHLOE
(showing the chewed jacket)
Look at what that stupid dog did.
FORD
Oh.
Mom enters.
CHLOE
(to Mom)
Why did you rip up my jacket?
MOM
(in subtitles)
Because I couldn't reach your face!
FORD
Look, Mom is just jealous, all right? Before you came along, she was the most significant woman in Hunter's life. Well, her and Mary Lou Retton. He thinks she's a pocketful of sass. I say she's a chunky little show-off.
CHLOE
(to mom, angry)
Stop chewing up my stuff, you flea-ridden mutt, or you'll be eating Alpo through a straw.
Mom leaves, scared.
INT. HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - DAY
Later. Norris is sitting down, reading. Suzanne is on her cellphone.
SUZANNE
(on phone)
Wendy, it's Suzanne.. I just got the message that you quit. Uh! But I need you. I can't do this job without you. You're irreplaceable.
(beat)
Really? So, you'll come back? Oh, that's great. Oh-oh-oh, and one more thing, you're fired.
(hangs up the cellphone)
Norris looks at her strangely.
SUZANNE
(continuing)
Nobody quits on Suzanne Vandermeer.
NORRIS
What's the matter? Didn't she know how many olives you take in your (quote hands) "coffee"?
SUZANNE
(taking her planner)
Norris? Do you know anything about art?
NORRIS
I'm a painter.
SUZANNE
Yeah, yeah, yeah, but I'm talking about real art, you know, the kind that people pay for. See, my P.R. firm is repping this crazy artist, and I need a lackey -- I mean, an executive assistant to help me out for a few days.
NORRIS
Suzanne, no offense, but I'd rather gut salmon at a cannery.
(gets up and leaves)
SUZANNE
(looking through her planner)
Fine. There's gotta be some young, ambitious art lover who wants to spend a week rubbing elbows with Sven Jorgensen.
NORRIS
(runs back to Suzanne)
Woah, woah, woah, are you talking about Sven Jorgensen? World acclaimed painter who's been living in seclusion since nineteen-eighty-six and is re-entering society at the Lightfoot Gallery with a collection of never-before-seen works?
SUZANNE
Maybe.
(beat)
You've heard of him?
NORRIS
Of course. He's a legend. He's the most passionate, uncompromising artist of his generation.
SUZANNE
Yeah, well, as long as he packs that gallery, I don't care if he paints his ass blue and drags it across a canvas.
NORRIS
(on knees, running after Suzanne)
You-you-you-you you greedy philistine.
(gets up)
This is not about packaging some celebrity. This is about celebrating visionary.
SUZANNE
Celebrating visionaries might be all the rage down at your commie-coffehouse. But in the real world, we've got bills to pay.
NORRIS
Yeah, and dalmatians to kidnap, you evil hag.
SUZANNE
Do you want this job or not?
NORRIS
(being nice)
Yes, please, very much, nice lady.
SUZANNE
All right.
(beat)
Well, if you're gonna be working for me, there'll be no more name calling. I am to be refered to as Ms. Vandermeer. Got that, you sawed-off little socialist?
NORRIS
Got it. Got it. If you need me, Ms. Vandermeer, I'll be in the kitchen calling the fridge, a money-grubbing booze hound.
(leaves)
INT. HOUSE - KITCHEN - DAY
Ford is in the kitchen, cooking. Hunter comes in dragging Chloe.
HUNTER
Hey! Hey, Ford, look who's here. The birthday girl.
FORD
Hey, happy birthday, Chloe. I've made you a pot of Ford's five-alarm chili. It's just Suzanne's six-alarm chili without the malt liquor.
CHLOE
No thanks, but I can't stay for long. I'm shooting my movie tomorrow, and...
HUNTER
(interrupting)
Well, this won't take long. It's just a pot of chili.
(loud)
And maybe a yard full of maniacs!
People in the yard jump up behind the window of the kitchen.
PEOPLE
Surprise!
CHLOE
(to Hunter)
I specifically told you that I did not want a party.
HUNTER
(wearing a Barbie birthday hat)
You know, I specifically didn't listen to a word you said.
(puts a Barbie birthday hat on Chloe)
Now, put on a hat and a happy face.
Chloe is looking unhappy.
HUNTER
(continuing, checking her face)
Okay, you're halfway there.
Deke enters from the yard. Chloe goes up to him.
CHLOE
Deke?
(takes off her hat)
You knew I didn't want a party. Okay, that's it. That is the last time I'm taping "Xena: Warrior Princess" for you.
(taks off Deke's hat)
Ford turns around to look.
DEKE
(to Ford and Hunter)
Does anybody else think she's sexy when she's angry?
FORD
I'm gay.
HUNTER
(turning around)
I'm her father.
DEKE
I'm out of here.
(leaves back to the yard)
INT. LIGHTFOOT GALLERY - DAY
Norris is standing looking around. Suzanne is managing the gallery.
NORRIS
I can't believe I'm actually about to meet Sven Jorgensen.
(sees Sven)
Oh, my god, that's him, that's him. Okay. All right. Okay. Stay calm. He's just a normal guy. Don't make a fuss over him. Whatever you do, don't use the word, "shrine".
(goes up to Sven and shakes his hand)
Mr. Jorgensen, you're a god. I worship at your shrine.
SVEN
Thank you. Thank you. Have you ever had a pomegranate down your pants?
NORRIS
Uh, no, ha. I can't say that I have. Is that a metaphor?
SVEN
No. It's a cool sensation. Speaking of which, it's hot in here.
(takes off his pants)
Oh! Ahhh!
(leaves pants on floors, leaves and takes off jacket and drops it)
Norris is bewildered at what just transpired in front of him. Suzanne has noticed what happened and walks over to Norris.
SUZANNE
Don't just stand there.
(all smiley)
Put those on a hanger.
Norris is still bewildered.
Later. Sven and Norris are sitting at a table. A plate full of Nutter Butter cookies is in between them.
SVEN
(childlike)
Do it again.
NORRIS
(takes a cookie)
Here's the jumbo jet.
Sven's mouth opens, giggling.
NORRIS
(continuing)
Oh, look, there's the airport.
(does airplane sounds)
Norris flies the cookie to Sven's mouth. Sven closes his mouth shut.
SVEN
Sorry, La Guardia is fogged in.
NORRIS
(putting the cookie down)
Well, until there's a break in the weather, I'll just go talk to Suzanne.
(gets up and heads towards Suzanne.)
Suzanne.
SUZANNE
Ms. Vandermeer.
NORRIS
Right. Sorry, Ms. Vander-hag! You set me up. Look, you knew that he was nuts. You just hired me to be his nanny.
SUZANNE
First, you begged for this job. And second, you're not just his nanny. This morning you dropped off my dry cleaning which also makes you my gopher.
NORRIS
(leaving)
Have a nice life.
(turning around)
Oh, uh, by the way, after his cookie, he might need you to rub some lotion on his dry patch. He'll show you where that is.
SVEN
(playing with cookie)
Please remain seated until the cookie comes to a complete stop.
SUZANNE
Norris, no-no-no, Norris, please don't go. I'll give you a raise. Okay? Six bucks an hour.
NORRIS
Oh, please, doubling my salary isn't going to do it, lady.
SUZANNE
(begging)
Oh-oh-oh Norris, Norris, I'll...
(looks over at wall)
I'll...I'll give you a wall to hang one of your paintings.
NORRIS
What? What? A wall here with Sven's masterpieces? Oh, god, this is a dream come true. Two years ago I was a medical supply salesman, with a company car and full dental, and I walked away from all that to pursue my dream that some day, maybe, just maybe, little Norris Michelsky will have his name mentioned in the same breath as that genius, Sven Jorgensen.
SVEN
(still playing with cookie, pushing it with finger near edge of table)
Thank you for flying Nutter Butter. Whether this desk is your final...ahhh
(pushes cookie over edge and goes crazy screaming, covering his mouth)
Norris looks at Sven strangely. Suzanne just smiles wickedly.
INT. HOUSE - KITCHEN - DAY
Ford and Chloe are in the kitchen. Ford is still cooking his five-alarm chili. He is still wearing the Barbie birthday hat.
CHLOE
Always hated birthdays, even when I was a kid. Well, what am I supposed to do? Pretend I'm having fun?
FORD
What do you think I'm doing? I'm stirring chili and wearing a Barbie hat.
(wipes his hands)
HUNTER
(enters)
Hey, it's time for the best part of the party.
CHLOE
(faking happiness)
The end?
HUNTER
I've got something that will turn that scowl into a sardonic grin.
FORD
Wow, someone's been using that word-a-day calendar I got him.
HUNTER
(smiling)
It's time for cake.
(turns around, and turns upset)
Dammit! Mom!
(enters dining room)
INT. HOUSE - DIING ROOM - DAY
Mom is on the dining table, sitting on the birthday cake. Her butt perfectly in the center. Hunter walks in followed by Chloe.
MOM
(in subtitles)
I'm keeping it warm.
HUNTER
(upset)
Bad dog, get off there. Go on. Get off there.
Mom gets up and leaves, leaving a smooshed cake. Chloe laughs.
HUNTER
(continuing)
What's so funny?
CHLOE
I don't know. There was a dog sitting on a cake.
HUNTER
(still upset)
I bought that cake for you.
CHLOE
Yeah, well, I didn't want a cake. I told you I didn't want any of this.
HUNTER
Wow. Yeah, I guess I'm a real jerk for wanting to celebrate your birthday, considering I didn't get to be there for the first eighteen.
CHLOE
So? Don't ask me to relive my sucky childhood just 'cause you feel bad about not being there.
HUNTER
Nobody's asking you to relive anything. Smile for a picture. Have a piece of cake. That's all I'm asking. But who cares about me. This isn't about me. This is about you.
CHLOE
(retort)
I don't think so. This is about you and your whole weird dad agenda.
HUNTER
You know what, if you didn't want a dad, why did you bother looking me up in the first place?
CHLOE
I don't know. Maybe that was a mistake.
HUNTER
You know, if that's the way you feel, maybe the party's over.
(beat, upset and sad)
You're free to go.
CHLOE
(looks at Hunter, breathes out)
Whatever.
Hunter is upset and doesn't know what to do. He sits down at the dining table, thinking. Ford walks in.
FORD
(taking off hat)
Hunter, I know this is a bad time, but there are bees all over Mom's ass.
ACT TWO
EXT. HOUSE - BACKYARD - DAY
It is early morning. Hunter is in the backyard, pounding away on a dog house for Mom, who is sitting patiently beside him. The top of the dog house looks like the Empire State Building. Ford and Norris enters, both covered in jacket, over their sleeping clothes.
NORRIS
(feeling cold)
Hunter! Hunter! Heh-heh, I was just dreaming about me and Elle MacPherson, and we were about to make love, and then she got a headache because you were hammering! What the hell are you doing?
HUNTER
(working on dog-house)
I'm building Mom the best dog-house ever. Unlike some of my other loved ones, Mom accepts my affection instead of treating me like crap.
NORRIS
Listen, Hunter, you know, channeling your displaced anger...
HUNTER
(interrupting)
Oh, c'mon, I don't need your psycho babble.
NORRIS
Fine. Is it psycho babble to point out that your dog-house has no door?
(leaves back into the house)
HUNTER
(looks around the dog-house, yells out to Norris)
It's a hidden door! A door that only dogs can hear.
NORRIS
See.
HUNTER
Oh, shut up!
(goes back to finishing up the dog-house, pause, notices Ford)
What are you looking at?
FORD
Oh! Nothing. I was just admiring the tiny tourists on the observation deck.
HUNTER
Shut up.
Ford goes back into the house.
INT. DISCOUNT SHOE SHACK - DAY
Chloe is filming Deke, who is in a bug costume. Deke is lying on a bed.
CHLOE
Okay, everybody, here we go. Deke, you ready?
DEKE
(takes out the clapper)
Oh, no, I'm a bug. Scene one, take one.
(claps the clapper and hides it)
CHLOE
And, action.
DEKE
(acting, getting up yawning)
Oh, no! I'm a bug!
Ford enters.
CHLOE
And, cut.
(to Ford)
What are you doing in my shot?
FORD
Oh, I'm here to read for the part of "Ford", the supportive gay neighbor with the heart of gold.
CHLOE
How did you find me?
FORD
Ah, a certain insect might have told me you were shooting in his uncle's shoestore, in exchange for some legal advice for a certain moving violation.
Deke gets up from the bed.
DEKE
(looks at his costume)
Uncle Vince could probably use an extra set of hands.
(walks off)
CHLOE
Look, if Hunter wants to apologize, he can do it himself.
FORD
For what? All I saw was a nice guy trying to throw his daughter a birthday party.
CHLOE
Yeah, well, I've had a lot of parties thrown for me by all the (quote fingers) "uncles" who came in and out of my mom's life. They were all nice guys, and they all left. Well, one came back, but just to clean the pool 'cause that's what he did.
FORD
Look, it sounds to me like you're projecting all your anger against your mom's old boyfriends onto Hunter.
CHLOE
I don't need your psycho-babble.
FORD
Woah, where have I heard that before.
(beat)
Look, believe me, you can count on Hunter. All right, when Suzanne and I split up, a lot of my friends wouldn't return my calls. But Hunter was there for me. And, yeah, he goes a little overboard. All right, he threw me a surprise coming-out party and invited my parents, even though I hadn't told them I was gay yet.
(beat)
Look, I've known Hunter a long time. All right? And I've never seen him care about somebody the way he cares about you.
CHLOE
Yeah, well, Ford, it's been nice chatting. Uh, they gotta do inventory in an hour. So, I've gotta move this along. Deke!
FORD
(leaving)
Okay, fine, fine, I'm leaving. It's just... Just one more thing, all right? I know it's hard for you to trust your dad because you're stubborn and you're scared, but, you know, so is he.
Chloe looks at him, feeling a bit of guilt.
INT. LIGHTFOOT GALLERY - DAY
Back at the gallery, Norris has one of his paintings hanging on the wall. Suzanne is now dressed in an evening gown.
NORRIS
(pointing to his painting)
Look at this! Me, hanging here. I'm so excited. Thank you for helping me realize my dream.
SUZANNE
Norris, I'm glad you're happy. Take it down!
NORRIS
What?
SUZANNE
Norris, I am so sorry, but the exhibit is called "Just Sven", and the gallery owner said that it's gotta be, well, "Just Sven".
NORRIS
(lost for words)
Uh, I don't know. I mean, can it be "Mostly Sven"? Or "Just Sven" except for one by the guy who changed Sven's underwear?
SUZANNE
Out of my hands.
(takes down the painting)
NORRIS
Oh, all right, fine, fine, you wanna play rough? Okay. Hey, Sven! Sven!
(to Suzanne)
For your information, Sven and I share a bond that's stronger than the almighty buck.
[Sven walks up to Norris.]
And that's the sacred bond of artistic integrity.
(puts arm around Sven)
So, if you take down my painting, you might as well take down all of his too. Right, Sven?
SVEN
I'm sorry, monsigneur, I lost my kitty.
NORRIS
(fed up)
Fine! Fine!
(takes painting from Suzanne, to Sven)
But next time you get stuck between the toilet and the wall, don't expect me to come butter your head.
(walks off quickly with painting)
INT. HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - NIGHT
Hunter is sitting on the sofa chair, watching T.V., along with Mom. Chloe enters, looking guilty and sad.
CHLOE
Hi.
Hunter looks over to see Chloe and turns his head back to watching T.V.
CHLOE
(continuing)
Hi. I left some laundry over here.
HUNTER
Uh-huhn.
CHLOE
(takes a video tape from her bag)
I thought you might wanna watch this.
(places the tape on the chest table and heads towards the kitchen)
HUNTER
(to no one in particular)
Oh, so, now she wants me to watch her student film.
MOM
(in subtitles)
Tape Springer over it.
INT. LIGHTHOUSE GALLERY - NIGHT
A gathering has taken place within the gallery. A lot of people are regarding Sven's works of art. An art lover is standing next to Sven. Suzanne is standing by.
ART GUY
(European accent)
So, Sven, you are excited, huh?
SVEN
Yes, I haven't taken a shower in ten years.
Suzanne notices Norris walking around.
SUZANNE
(to Art Guy)
Excuse me.
(beat, walks up to Norris)
Well, did you come back for your paycheck?
NORRIS
Please. Why would I hold a grudge? I had some fun. I made a few bucks. I fed mashed bananas to a genius wearing a diaper.
(notices Art Critic, tries to hide behind a pole)
Oh, god, god, oh, jesus. It's that satanic art critic from the Village Voice. Did she see me?
The Art Critic walks up and stands right next to Norris.
ART CRITIC
(to Suzanne)
What do you call this piece? The Mona-Loser?
NORRIS
Well, judging by your head, the hole in the ozone layer really is a problem.
The Art Critic makes a snide face back at Norris.
ART GUY
(to Suzanne)
Excuse me, but that painting is not listed in the catalogue.
(points at Norris' paiting)
SUZANNE
Which one?
ART GUY
That one.
(points back at Norris' painting)
They all walk towards the painting.
SUZANNE
(notices painting, to Norris, upset)
What the hell? Are you trying to get me fired?
NORRIS
Oh, my goodness. How did that get up there?
SUZANNE
(on walkie)
Security, turn off the surveillance cameras. There's gonna be a beating!
Close proximity to painting.
ART CRITIC
It's the best thing Sven has ever done.
NORRIS
(gloating)
Uh-huhn, oh, really?
(to Suzanne)
How about that?
ART GUY
I'll pay ten-thousand for it.
A crowd gathers around, including Sven.
SUZANNE
Uh, it's not for sale.
BIDDER #2
I'll pay fifteen-thousand.
BIDDER #3
(interjecting)
Twenty-thousand.
ART GUY
Thirty.
NORRIS
(hiding behind a patron, in an estrange voice)
Thirty-five.
ART GUY
I'll pay fifty-thousand dollars.
SVEN
Sold!
ART GUY
It's magnificent. What's it called?
SVEN
Nutter Butter.
The Art Guy and the Art Critic follows Sven.
NORRIS
(to Suzanne)
No-no-no, no-no, wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. They all think that Sven painted it. For god's sake, Sven thinks that he painted it.
(to crowd)
Everybody, hold on.
SUZANNE
Woah-woah-woah-woah, you trying to ruin me? I could lose my job.
NORRIS
(thinks, then to crowd)
Everybody, hold on.
SUZANNE
(grabbing his arm)
Oh, no, it's not just me. If somebody finds out that you painted this, you're gonna be arrested for fraud and thrown in prison and passed around like Madonna at a NBA All-Star game.
NORRIS
Nobody knows that it's my painting.
SUZANNE
Yeah, but you know. Oh, look, all these art freaks think that your work is better than anything Sven Jorgensen has ever done. You had a dream -- boring, pretentious dream that I didn't listen to. But, hey, it came true.
NORRIS
But the money was part of the dream.
INT. HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - NIGHT
Hunter is still on the sofa chair watching T.V.. Ford is sitting on the couch.
FORD
(notices the video tape)
Hey, what's this?
HUNTER
(non-enthusiastic)
Ah, it's Chloe's. She's doing her laundry or something.
FORD
What? Chloe is here?
(gets up and places tape into VCR)
Hunter, don't you see what she's doing? Look. This tape is how she communicates. All right, it's like the piano in the movie, "The Piano". But, you know, it's not a piano, and Harvey Keitel is not naked in it.
(presses "play" on the remote, beat)
I hope.
INT. ON TV - NIGHT
On the video tape is a birthday cake being brought to a young, blond girl.
JERRY
Happy Birthday, Chloe.
CHLOE'S MOTHER
Sweetheart, say hello. Come on, Chloe.
YOUNG CHLOE
Hi, Mommy.
INT. HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - NIGHT
HUNTER
(watching)
Oh, my god. That's her.
JERRY
(from TV)
Smile at the camera.
INT. ON TV - NIGHT
The birthday cake is placed in front of Young Chloe.
CHLOE'S MOTHER
You know, honey, Jerry picked out the cake for you.
YOUNG CHLOE
Thank you, Jerry.
JERRY
Well, thank you for inviting me to your party. Now, make a wish.
Young Chloe blows out the candles on the cake.
INT. HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - NIGHT
Hunter is watching intensely at the video.
JERRY
(from TV)
Good girl. Good job, Chloe.
Chloe walks into the living room carrying her laundry bag.
HUNTER
Chloe. Hey, Chloe, listen.
(beat)
I've only watched a little of it, but...
(beat)
...that's the best movie I've ever seen.
CHLOE
Well, it was just lying around in my apartment. If you want it, keep it.
FORD
(charging up to them)
Oh, of course he's gonna keep it, you crazy.
(hugs them both and pats Chloe on the back)
You know, when a daughter comes to her father, and you realize it's time to go to the kitchen, you just go.
(heads off toward the kitchen)
Chloe drops her bag.
HUNTER
That was a really nice thing to do. Thank you.
(pause, off of Chloe's silent agreement)
Uh-huh, so, uh, now what?
CHLOE
Uh, well, for starters, you can listen to me and respect what I want.
Mom comes charging in attacking Chloe's bag and drags it off.
CHLOE
(continuing)
And when you get around to it, you could shoot that dog.
(heading for couch)
HUNTER
(following)
Yeah, I wouldn't worry about it. She'll probably die of exposure trying to get into the doorless dog-house I just built.
CHLOE
(sitting down)
Look, Hunter, I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I...just...I'm not great at trusting people. I went eighteen years without a dad, and I'm still trying to figure out how it works.
(looking at Hunter)
Just...just don't bail on me.
HUNTER
I would never bail on you, ever. You know, my dad left before I was born, and I swore I would never do that to my kids.
CHLOE
You didn't have a dad, either?
HUNTER
(shakes head)
Don't even know what he looks like. My mom cut up all the pictures of him.
CHLOE
Wow! That sucks.
(beat)
I guess I'm lucky. I've...
(searches for her wallet)
I've a picture of you in my wallet ever since I was a little girl.
(opens up wallet)
HUNTER
(taking the wallet from her hands and inspecting it closely)
That's Robert Urich.
CHLOE
You know, "Spencer for Hire". He was cool, and he fought crime.
HUNTER
(nodding)
Oh, good choice.
They both lie back on the couch and cross their legs at the same time, and watch the video tape. On the tape is Young Chloe on a tricycle, smiling up at the camera.
TAG
INT. HOUSE - NORRIS' ROOM - NIGHT
Norris is asleep in his bed. Suzanne comes in through the door, wearing a red blouse and black pants.
SUZANNE
I've been looking for you.
NORRIS
Okay, look, I know that your dry cleaning was supposed to be on hangers and not balled up in a hefty bag, but the job is over, okay? Leave me alone.
SUZANNE
Oh, would that I could, you paint-smeared little sexbomb.
(beat, gets on Norris' bed)
Don't you see? When I insult you, it's only because I can't tell you how much I really want you.
(climbs on top of him)
NORRIS
(happy)
I knew that. I feel the same way about you, you boney, blood-sucking harlet.
SUZANNE
(feels herself)
Oh, yes, that's it. Come adorn my walls with your art.
(takes off her blouse...)
...to reveal the Art Critic in a red bra. Norris is frightened.
ART CRITIC
Okay, whatever you got, get it up.
Norris wakes up screaming.
NORRIS
Oh, thank, thank god.
Sven pops up beside his bed, scaring Norris, wearing a red blouse and black pants.
NORRIS
(continuing)
God, leave me alone.
SVEN
Would that I could, you paint-smeared little sexbomb.
(takes off blouse)
Norris hides his face, while Sven finishes taking off his blouse. Norris takes a pillow and hits Sven with it to keep Sven from advancing.
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