|
OPENING
INT. HOUSE - LIVING - DAY
Ford and Norris are sitting on the couch, playing a playstation game. They are really getting into it. Norris gets frustrated and throws down his gamepad.
NORRIS
Oh, you got a whole pod full of plasma guns. You couldn't throw me one?
FORD
Well, maybe you had some ammo left if you didn't waste it all shooting up the orphanage.
Hunter walks in with a sandwich in hand.
NORRIS
Look, oh, okay. I thought those kids were alien shapeshifters, okay?
FORD
Yeah, they sure screamed like orphans.
HUNTER
Hey! If you kids can't play quietly...
FORD
We've been trying to get to the post-apocalyptic wasteland for an hour. We can't get out of the city of mutants.
HUNTER
(takes Norris' gamepad)
Oh, let's see what we have here.
(presses some buttons, putting sandwich in mouth)
NORRIS
(asking for his gamepad back)
Hunter...
Hunter is doing really well. Ford and Norris watch on the television in amazement.
HUNTER
(gives back gamepad)
There's your wasteland.
(takes a bite of his sandwich and leaves)
FORD
Wow, it's even more beautiful than on the box.
(beat, turns around to look for Hunter, to Norris)
Who was that mask man?
NORRIS
I don't know, but he got Miracle Whip on my game pad.
Mom starts licking the gamepad.
ACT ONE
Norris is sitting down at the counter, eating. Ford comes walking in, looking beat and tired, and all messed up from work, which is unusual for Ford.
NORRIS
(noticing Ford)
Wow. First, your firm has casual Fridays, and now hobo Tuesdays?
FORD
(takes brief from bag)
No, this is the result of staying up for three days writing a brief for a case that already settled. But no one had time to tell me because they were too busy, playing golf and sexually harassing paralegals!
(dumps the brief in the wastebasket)
NORRIS
Speaking of which, Mike from your firm called. Said he's sorry, but he can't run the marathon with you.
FORD
Oh, so, mister junior partner is too important to run with a lowly associate?
NORRIS
(hands Ford the note)
Actually, those were his exact words.
Hunter walks in, all smiley and happy.
HUNTER
Hey!
NORRIS
Hey.
HUNTER
Sal just gave me the rest of the day off because I submitted the winning bid on his hotel project. I don't know what the big deal is. It just felt like a six hundered fifty eight thousand four hundred and thirty two dollar job.
NORRIS
Could your life get any better?
HUNTER
(excited, takes tickets from pocket)
Yeah! I just found two Springsteen tickets on the subway for tonight!
NORRIS
Let me guess. You're going to take that gorgeous Nicks cheerleader?
HUNTER
Hey, Margot's not a cheerleader, okay? They're called the Nicks City Dancers, and they don't just dance, they help sick kids. Well, excuse me, I'm going to take a shower. Margot awaits at the tanning salon.
(heads up the kitchen stairs)
NORRIS
Oh, yeah, 'cause nothing upsets a sick child more than a visit from a pasty cheerleader.
(beat, to Ford)
That man is Satan!
FORD
That's a little extreme, don't you think.
NORRIS
No, no, look, think about it. Okay, he's good at everything, and he doesn't even try. And everything that he wants, he gets. Money, Springsteen tickets, bleeding heart cheerleaders with no tan lines.
(beat)
No, I'm telling you. He's on the Devil's speed-dial.
(heads up the kitchen stairs)
FORD
Next time Satan calls, we should star sixty-nine him.
(picks up newspaper)
I'm gonna find out what he has planned for the Backstreet Boys.
INT. HOUSE - DINING ROOM - DAY
Suzanne enters the dining room, carrying a box of stuff and notices Ford.
SUZANNE
Wow! You look like Robert Downey, Jr., in a parole hearing.
(drops box on table)
INT. HOUSE - KITCHEN - DAY
FORD
Suzanne, what are you doing here?
(exits kitchen to dining room)
INT. HOUSE - DINING ROOM - DAY
SUZANNE
Well, I was cleaning out the hall closet, and I found some things of yours.
(takes out something)
Here, the silver key ring I gave you for passing the bar.
(takes out a picture frame)
The picture of me and Snow White where you wrote, "I was the fairest of them all."
(takes out tickets)
Ooh, and the ticket stubs when we saw those adorable singing junkies in "Rent".
FORD
(looks inside the box)
Oh, man, does this bring back memories.
SUZANNE
Oh, I know. We did have some good times.
(caressing his arm)
FORD
(takes out a quarters' cup)
Yeah, my quarters' cup from the Trump Plaza in Atlantic City. I won eighty-six bucks, and I met Dionne Warwick at the buffet.
SUZANNE
I didn't go with you on that trip.
FORD
(starts laughing)
Oh, you should have been there. It was awesome! Norris drank six kamikazes out of this cup, and then he puked in the ice machine.
(turns around, screaming for Norris)
Hey, Norris, remember that time you asked me to kill you?
SUZANNE
(bitter, looking at tickets)
Well, so much for gay men being sensitive.
(throws tickets in box)
INT. HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - NIGHT
Hunter and Ford are sitting on the couch. Hunter is watching television. Ford crumples up another piece of legal paper and attempts to make it into the basket. On the floor, some distance away is a wastebasket, surrounded by balls of crumpled legal paper. Norris comes walking down the stairs and into the living room.
NORRIS
(to Ford)
What are you working on?
(sits down)
FORD
We represent this insurance company. A dentist filed a disability claim, because he says he went blind.
NORRIS
The nerve of him.
(opens his book)
FORD
Now, I gotta write the letter. Dear doctor so-and-so, sorry to hear you're alledgedly sightless. Whatever.
(writing on the pad)
We're not paying you a million dollars. Suck it up. Peace and love, Ford Lowell, Esquire.
HUNTER
(looking at two sheets of paper)
You don't have to pay him if he lied, right?
FORD
Heh, no, no, Hunter, we don't.
(sarcastic)
We also don't have to pay him if he's a walrus.
HUNTER
(shows Ford the paper)
No, it's just that on his policy here, he put eyesight "normal". But on his driver's license he put "corrective lenses".
(takes a ball of crumpled paper and shoots at the wastebasket. Perfect shot!)
That means the dude lied either on his policy or on his driver's license.
(takes another ball of crumpled paper. He shoots. He scores!)
Either way, you win.
FORD
(impressed)
How did you know to look for that?
HUNTER
I saw it on "Matlock".
(beat, gets up)
Anyways, it's common sense. Pop-tart anyone?
(leaves to kitchen)
NORRIS
(smug)
Well, looks like Nick-at-Nite could have saved somebody three years of law school.
FORD
C'mon. You heard him. It's just common sense. It's not like he's better than me at my job.
HUNTER
(returning)
By the way, how's the guy gonna read the letter if he's blind.
Ford, pissed, crumples up the letter and shoots for the wastebasket. Norris is holding up the wastebasket, and Ford still misses it.
INT. HOUSE - ATTIC - NORRIS' ROOM - NIGHT
Norris is painting. Ford is carrying some peach cobbler.
FORD
Here, I made some of my grandmother's famous peach cobbler.
NORRIS
Oh, thanks, I'm not a huge fan of Nana Lowell's...
FORD
(sticking cobbler into Norris' mouth)
Try it.
NORRIS
Oh, umm...
(tasting it)
Wow, mmm, wow, this is fantastic. Mmm.
(gets another bite from Ford)
Mmmm.
FORD
Yeah. More vanilla, less nutmeg. Hunter's idea.
(beat, sitting down)
I think you're right. He is Satan. Oh, I wish I could beat him at something.
NORRIS
(putting down his painting tools, moves over to Ford and extends his hand)
Finally! Welcome to the resistance, comrade.
FORD
Paint fumes a little strong up here, aren't they?
NORRIS
Listen, just look, I've got a foolproof plan, okay? Get Hunter to run the marathon with you.
FORD
What?
NORRIS
You can't lose, Ford. You've trained for months.
FORD
No, I couldn't do that to him.
NORRIS
(interrupting)
No, no, you got to! I've been dreaming about this. It's delicious, I tell you, delicious!
FORD
He could get hurt.
NORRIS
Hurt. Hurt is living half of my life in Hunter's shadow. You know I spent the whole summer before college learning how to juggle just so I could be the fresman juggling guy.
FORD
Hunter's a natural juggler.
NORRIS
I know. I know. And there I was working my three bean bags in the student lounge, and Hunter comes in with a bowling ball, and a toaster, and a flaming typewriter. Everybody cheered and followed him off. Left me handling my bags in front of the janitor. All right.
(screaming down the stairs)
Hey, hey, Hunter, could you come up here right away? It's an emergency.
(to Ford)
C'mon, Ford, it's up to you! Beat him in the marathon and end his reign of terror!
FORD
I don't know. I think this is kinda between you and Hunter, and the company that makes Prozac.
NORRIS
(going behind Ford)
Listen. This is not just for me.
(putting hands on Ford's shoulder)
This is for all those other sad, conquered bastards that came before us.
(gets close to Ford's ear)
Don't you see, Ford? You're our "great gay hope".
Hunter comes running up the stairs, with a rolled magazine in hand.
HUNTER
All right. Where's the spider?
NORRIS
No, no, no, um, well, Ford wants you to run the marathon with him.
HUNTER
(to Ford) I don't know, Ford. Twenty-six miles?
NORRIS
No, no, no, no, he'll be there with you every step of the way, buddy.
FORD
Look, I understand if you're not up to it.
HUNTER
Oh, no, I could do it. It just sounds boring. I mean, running is kinda for girls.
FORD
For girls?
(gets up)
Hey, look, you have no idea how...
(notices Norris' hands tugging on his arm)
...many girls you're gonna meet when you run this marathon with me.
NORRIS
Hah-hah, yes, thousands of them! Tanned, toned, best of all, numbered.
Ford nods in agreement.
HUNTER
Ahh, I like numbers.
FORD & NORRIS
Yeah.
HUNTER
Not so good with names.
FORD & NORRIS
No.
HUNTER
Okay, count me in.
(leaves down the stairs)
NORRIS
(evil)
Oh, I'm afraid we'll be counting you out.
Norris and Ford starts laughing maniacally.
INT. HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - DAY
Ford is in sweats, stretching his legs. Norris comes running down the stairs with a shoe. Hunter comes in looking for his one lost shoe.
HUNTER
Anybody seen my other sneaker?
NORRIS
(showing his sneaker)
Uh, hey, buddy, wanna borrow one of mine?
HUNTER
It's small, don't you think?
NORRIS
No, it'll stretch.
(looks at Ford evilly)
HUNTER
Is it even the right foot?
NORRIS
It'll stretch.
(extends the shoe to Hunter)
Mom comes in with sneaker in mouth and goes to the couch. She drops the sneaker. The doorbell rings.
HUNTER
Hey, thanks, Mom.
(takes sneaker)
NORRIS
Yeah, yeah, thanks Mom.
(beat, closer to Mom)
I could have you fixed.
MOM
(in subtitles)
I could have you killed.
Norris goes answering the door.
FORD
Look, Hunter, if you don't stretch a little, your ligaments are liable to snap like guitar strings.
HUNTER
(tying shoes)
I leaned over to grab the remote last night, so I'm good to go.
Suzanne and Chloe enter. Suzanne is carrying a paper bag. Norris follows.
CHLOE
Well, here we are, ready for a big day of watching disoriented marathoners stumble pass the brownstone.
(to Suzanne)
Explain to me again why we can't throw garbage at them?
NORRIS
(checking inside Suzanne's paper bag)
Gatorade and a fifth of vodka?
SUZANNE
(takes bag away)
What? I get sweaty drinking vodka.
(leaves)
INT. HOUSE - DINING ROOM - DAY
Ford is at the dining table tying his shoelaces. Suzanne comes up to him.
SUZANNE
(continuing)
Hey, the other day when I was getting your stuff together, I realized I was missing something. It's nothing really, just a little stuffed bear. Have you got it?
FORD
(getting up)
Bear? That doesn't ring a bell.
SUZANNE
(very upset)
HOW COULD YOU FORGET THE SHONEY'S BEAR!
FORD
(confused)
I thought you said it was nothing.
SUZANNE
(still upset)
That means it's everything! What are you, in a coma?
FORD
Oh, no, no, no, take it easy. Look, of course I remember, that, that little bear, from, from Chili's, right?
SUZANNE
Shoney's! We were driving back from Virginia. We got into that huge fight about the wiper fluid, remember?
FORD
God, there were so many of those.
SUZANNE
You came out of the Shoney's restaurant. You gave me this little bear from the gift shop. It was the moment that I knew I wanted to marry you. Well, actually, no, that was a week later when I got the results of your T.R.W. report.
(upset)
How could you not remember that bear?
FORD
Hey, hey, hey, honey, look I'm sorry, okay?
(takes Suzanne by the shoulders and brings her into the living room)
I promise I will help you look for it as soon as Hunter is a broken and spent man.
INT. HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - DAY
FORD
(continuing, making gestures towards Hunter)
Hey, there's our champ. Hah-hah. C'mon, pal, glory awaits.
(pats Hunter in the arms)
NORRIS
Remember, we'll be here to cheer you on when you pass the house.
CHLOE
Unless you happen to have a massive heartattack and die in the gutter.
All three men look at her strangely.
CHLOE
(continuing)
Like no one else was thinking it.
The three men and Suzanne walks out of the house.
ACT TWO
EXT. STREET - DAY
People have gathered around to watch the marathoners run. The banner above reads, "1999 New York City Marathon". Marathoners are already running, keeping pace. Hunter is running next to a woman, talking. Ford comes up from behind to catch up with him. The girl runner runs off.
HUNTER
(to the girl)
I'll call you!
FORD
Hey, you idiot, why did you take off like that?
HUNTER
Oh, I was running after that girl. She was way up front. I wanted to chat her up.
FORD
Yeah, she's the defending champion. That's why her number is one.
HUNTER
Hey, take it easy dude. Save some gas for the last twenty-two miles.
FORD
Don't worry about me. I'm in peak condition. This body's a running machine.
(checks his watch and falls down with a oomph)
EXT. HOUSE - FRONT - DAY
Suzanne is sitting on a folding chair, holding a mixed drink. Chloe sits down on an empty chair.
SUZANNE
Do you believe a man would lose the gift that made you wanna marry him?
CHLOE
Do you believe a woman would marry a man because of a crappy stuffed bear?
(beat)
Look, I'm sure Ford still has all kinds of meaningful junk from your marriage.
SUZANNE
If there were only some place I could look to know for sure.
(beat, louder now)
I say if there was only some place I could look, or perhaps even search for evidence that he cared.
CHLOE
You mean, sneak into his room and rifle through his stuff?
SUZANNE
Ooh, but that would be wrong.
(beat)
Meet me upstairs in two minutes.
CHLOE
Right.
They both get off their chairs and head up the stairs to the house. Norris exits with his own folding chair. They notice him.
CHLOE
(continuing)
What about Norris?
SUZANNE
Damn the weak link!
NORRIS
(coming down the stairs, noticing the girls)
What?
SUZANNE
Uh, Norris, um, would you be a sweetheart and run to the store. I want to throw a little victory cookout for the guys tonight.
NORRIS
Can't it wait? I, uh, I don't want to miss any of the marathon. This street is like pothole central. People are going down.
SUZANNE
(takes money out of her purse)
Here. Here's two-hundred dollars.
(hands the money to Norris)
And go buy yourself something pretty for your trouble.
(heads up the stairs)
NORRIS
(checking out the money)
I love these new hundred dollar bills. Hey, there's a third one stuck...
(catching himself)
See ya.
(leaves)
EXT. STREET - DAY
Ford and Hunter are still running side by side. A marathoner passes by them. Ford is limp running.
FORD
A hundred-fifty bucks on sneakers, and my feet are covered in blisters.
HUNTER
My feet are fine, but my wallet's kinda digging into my ass.
FORD
You brought your wallet?
HUNTER
Yeah, we're going right by Office Depot, and I need a wastebasket. C'mon, pick up the pace. I'll buy you a stapler.
INT. HOUSE - FORD'S ROOM - DAY
Suzanne and Chloe are going through Ford's room. Suzanne has just finished searching under Ford's bed. Chloe is checking out Ford's brushes at his armoire.
SUZANNE
This is unbelievable.
CHLOE
I know. He's got specialized hair brushes.
(reads the brushes)
Top of head, side of head, other side of head.
SUZANNE
No, I mean, there isn't a single trace of our marriage in this room. There's not a photo, not a letter, nothing!
CHLOE
Well, c'mon, I mean, he marries you, and then three years later, wakes up and realizes he's gay. Hey, I trash all evidence of my marriage too and get all new stuff.
SUZANNE
(still searching)
What new stuff?
CHLOE
You know, gay stuff.
SUZANNE
You mean, like his George Michael CD collection?
CHLOE
No, I mean like "don't leave it out in the open" gay stuff.
SUZANNE
Oh! Oh, no, nononononono, Ford will never have anything like that, because, you know, that would mean that he, you know, he's...
(something clicks)
...he's not just standing outside the restaurant looking at the menu, he's actually sitting down at a table, strapping on a bib.
CHLOE
Whatever. Hey, c'mon, let's go fill paper cups with hot sauce to hand to the runners.
(leaves through the door)
Suzanne opens up Ford's closet and turns on the light.
CHLOE
(continuing, peeking into the room)
Suzanne?
SUZANNE
(looking in Ford's closet)
Chloe, I need a flashlight, some double-sided tape, and a gimlet. And if you can't find the flashlight and the tape, don't worry about it.
EXT. STREET - DAY
Norris walks out of a store, holding a bag of groceries. He steals a piece of grape by the door and eats it. He walks towards the street and cheers them on.
NORRIS
(walking out onto the asphalt)
Go get them!
A horde of marathoners come charging, taking Norris into their midst.
EXT. STREET - SOMEPLACE ELSE - DAY
Hunter and Ford are still at it. They are sweaty. Ford is looking tired.
HUNTER
Remind me again why we're doing this?
FORD
You're doing it to meet girls. And I'm doing it to beat you like a dog.
HUNTER
Why do you want to do that for?
FORD
'Cause you're lucky, and you win at everything, and all the losers are counting on me.
(extends out his arm in cheer)
I'm the "great gay hope".
HUNTER
Where did you get that?
FORD
Norris. He might also have said that you're, you know, Satan.
HUNTER
Satan? Hey, if anyone is Satan, it's Norris. Do you see him out here running?
FORD
No.
HUNTER
He's probably kicking back on his recliner right now laughing at us.
EXT. STREET - ANOTHER PART - DAY
Norris is running with the marathoners, groceries in hand. A boy is keeping up with him on the side.
FRECKLED-FACE BOY
Run, grocery man, run! You can do it! Yeah!
Everyone cheers for Norris. Norris is excited and keeps running.
EXT. STREET - MR. FRANK - DAY
Hunter and Ford run off the beaten path to Mr. Frank, a hot dog joint.
FORD
So, Norris has been Satan all along?
HUNTER
Of course. C'mon, the guy who says that someone else is Satan is always the real Satan.
Hunter and Ford take a breather.
HUNTER
(continuing, breathing heavily)
C'mon, man, what is Satan spelled backwards?
FORD
Natas?
HUNTER
Almost Norris.
A big guy comes out from Mr. Frank with fries and drinking a smoothie, walking pass them. Ford notices and is envious.
FORD
Oh, man, I could sure go for one of those fruit drinks right now.
HUNTER
(places hands on Ford's shoulders)
Let's get one. What better way to thwart Natas' evil plan than to drop out of the race.
Ford turns around, his back leaning against the wall. He sees the Mr. Frank carboard mascot.
FORD
Mr. Frank, if you want me to stay in this race, say something.
(beat)
Fair enough.
Ford and Hunter stumble their way into Mr. Frank.
INT. HOUSE - FORD'S ROOM - CLOSET - DAY
Suzanne is on a chair, rummaging through Ford's stuff on the top shelf.
CHLOE
C'mon, Suzanne, give it up. We found the decorative bath soaps. Isn't that gay enough?
SUZANNE
Not hardly. There has got to be something else...
(found something)
Ah ha... Hey...
(takes out a white shoebox, and gets down)
What have we here, mister unmarked gay shoebox?
(opens the box and takes out a video tape)
INT. HOUSE - FORD'S ROOM - DAY
SUZANNE
(continuing)
Why would a man who has his video collection barcoded in the living room, have a single unmarked cassette in the back of his closet? Hmm... Could it be...?
CHLOE
Fear of flooding?
SUZANNE
(looks at tape)
I don't think so.
CHLOE
Okay, then what about hot man-on-man love action?
SUZANNE
Let's go to the video tape.
(places cassette into VCR, turns it on and turns on the television)
ON TV
Grocery man. No one knows who he is or where he comes from. But he has captured the hearts and the imagination of the people of New York. Run, grocery man, run!
SUZANNE
(facing Chloe)
Here goes.
(closes her eys, and presses the play button on the remote)
Laughter starts off the video followed by cheezy music. Suzanne and Chloe sit on Ford's bed.
CHLOE
Oh, eww, yech, sleazy music, bad lighting, cheap costumes. This is disgusting.
SUZANNE
(feeling touched)
Oh my god. It's our wedding video.
CHLOE
(stunned)
I mean, I mean, it's beautiful.
SUZANNE
(searches through the shoebox, takes out a boutonniere)
Oh, look, Ford's boutonniere.
(takes out a picture frame)
Oh, and a framed wedding invitation.
(takes out a napkin)
And one of our cocktail napkins.
CHLOE
(reading the napkin)
Suzanne and Gord?
SUZANNE
I sued the printers for sixty grand.
(takes napkin and places it over her heart)
CHLOE
Well, obviously, your marriage did mean something to Gord.
(goes over to stop the video tape)
SUZANNE
Yeah, but why would he keep this stuff hidden in the back of his closet?
CHLOE
(hands video tape to Suzanne)
Kind of ironic, huh?
SUZANNE
(placing video in box, and closing it)
What?
(puts the box back)
CHLOE
Gay guy, hiding his straight stuff in the closet. Never mind.
Suzanne closes Ford's closet.
CHLOE
(continuing)
Hey, and you didn't find any gay stuff.
SUZANNE
Yeah.
CHLOE
Yeah.
SUZANNE
(happy)
I mean, maybe granny's right. Maybe it is just a phase.
CHLOE
Yeah.
Chloe closes the door to Ford's room, to display a poster of a handsome man, shirtless and buff, almost taking off his pants, on the backside of the door.
INT. MR. FRANK - DAY
At the counter, Hunter is drinking a smoothie. Ford is trying to get his straw into his drink.
HUNTER
I can't believe we let Norris play us for chumps like this.
FORD
I know. It's just that when he pointed out how easy everything is for you...
Hunter plunks Ford's straw into Ford's drink.
FORD
(continuing, annoyed)
...it really bugged me.
HUNTER
(pointing to the drink)
Hey, you loosened it up, pal.
(pats Ford on the arm)
FORD
Ah, god, look at me. I've spent my entire life working like a dog. What do I have to show for it? A broken marriage, and a job writing threatening letters to the blind.
(beat)
If anyone's Satan, it's me.
HUNTER
Hey, you're just doing your job. I mean, look, if I look the other way while they used sub-standard cement on a job, would that make me a bad guy?
FORD
Well, yeah.
HUNTER
Look, look, the point is, your life is great. You're smart, well-respected, and sure, I might have more fun, but you're tops at the things that count.
FORD
I guess you're right.
HUNTER
You know I am.
FORD
I am pretty smart. I mean, no offense, but you couldn't have gotten into the law school I went to.
HUNTER
Not even to rake the leaves.
FORD
(chuckling)
And so my marriage failed, right? That's nothing to be ashamed of. You've never had a relationship last more than three days.
HUNTER
Now, that is shameful.
(pats Ford on the arm)
FORD
Shameful? It's pathetic. You've ever seen some of those girls you bring home in the cold light of day? Woof!
(chuckles)
HUNTER
Well...
FORD
(interrupting)
Oh, god, and your job, punching a clock, sitting in an unheated trailer, sucking down bad coffee. I'd put a gun in my mouth!
HUNTER
Yeah, well, I still got one thing going for me. I didn't even train for this marathon, and I was still going kick your flabby, white-collar butt.
FORD
I guess we'll never know.
HUNTER
I guess not.
FORD
(taking a menu and looking at it)
Woo, I'm hungry. I bet I could eat four hot dogs.
HUNTER
Yeah, I bet I could eat six.
FORD
I bet I could eat eight in five minutes.
HUNTER
Twelve!
FORD
Fifteen!
COUNTERMAN
(comes up to them, carribean accent)
Anything else, gentlemen?
FORD
(to counterman)
Yeah, thirty hot dogs.
HUNTER
(to counterman)
And a stop watch, please.
Later on, Ford and Hunter have just finished their 14th hot dog. People are standing behind them, cheering them on. (Hey, did anyone notice Ducey's sister in the background?)
COUNTERMAN
(stop watch in hand)
In all my years, I've never seen anybody eat fourteen hot dogs, let alone two guys. You're both crazy.
FORD
(in pain)
How much time?
COUNTERMAN
About forty seconds, and then I'm putting an end to this marathon of gluttony.
Hunter notices over Ford's shoulder a nice looking woman, who waves at Hunter. Hunter smiles back.
FORD
(looking at Hunter)
What's the matter? Losing your nerve?
HUNTER
(not to Ford)
Yeah, baby.
FORD
(chuckling)
You think this is funny? This will wipe that smirk off your face.
(gobbles down the last hot dog)
SLOW MOTION: The people behind Ford cheer him on as he gobbles the hot dog. Hunter is still staring at the woman. Ford has finally finished the last bite. The counterman waves his arms in "it's finished" and takes up Ford's arm as a winner. Hunter gets up and passes Ford, belches at him, and moves on, sitting next to the woman. From the belch, Ford gets sick and faints on the counter, while the people behind him pat him on the back.
EXT. STREET - DAY
Norris is still running in the marathon waving to the people, while the people keep cheering him on as "grocery man".
AUDIENCE
Grocery man! Grocery man! Grocery man! Grocery man! Grocery man!
INT. HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - DAY
Suzanne is sitting on the couch, while Chloe checks outside through the window blinds.
CHLOE
They're here!
Suzanne and Chloe go up to the front door. Ford and Hunter come walking in with a "stuffed" look on their expressions.
CHLOE
(continuing)
You guys actually finished. Who won?
FORD
I did.
SUZANNE
(ecstatic, hugs Ford)
Oh! Come here, Gord, you big, sentimental lug.
FORD
(detaches from her)
I may vomit.
(sits down on the recliner)
CHLOE
(to Hunter)
What about you? How are you feeling?
HUNTER
Ah, it was a lot of hot dogs... In the race. You know, running backwards, hopping on one leg, that kind of thing. Kind of ruins it for the serious runners.
Norris comes through the front door, caped in tin foil, still carrying the grocery bag.
HUNTER
(continuing, to Norris)
What happened to you?
NORRIS
(proud)
I ran the marathon.
HUNTER
(disbelieving)
Yeah, we all ran the marathon.
NORRIS
I did. I did. Hey, I'm, I am a folk hero. I am a legend.
(arms outstretched)
I am "grocery man"!
SUZANNE
Yeah, well, grocery man, I think your tin foil cape is picking up some signals from outerspace.
(takes the grocery bag from Norris' hand)
Anybody want a hot dog?
(heads off to the kitchen)
The word "hot dog" sends Ford a running up the stairs, sick.
FORD
(running)
Ohhhh, god...
HUNTER
(to Suzanne)
Yeah, I'll take two.
TAG
INT. HOUSE - FORD'S ROOM - DAY
Ford is dressed for work. He whistles a happy tune and goes up to his armoire and looks in the mirror.
FORD
Good morning, counselor. This is your day.
(straightens his tie)
And this city is your oyster.
Ford takes one of the brushes without looking and starts brushing the right side of his head. Then, he feels something is unnatural and checks out the brush.
FORD
(continuing)
What the...?
(reading the brush)
"Top of head"?!
(checks behind him, and searches for the right brush)
What kind of twisted freak...?
Ford finally figures which brush is what and puts them in correct order on the armoire. He retreates and shakes off the bad mistake.
FORD
(approaches the armoire once again and looks into the mirror)
Good morning, counselor.
(takes the correct brush and brushes the right side of his head, enjoying the feeling)
Mmmm.
|