INT. HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - DAY

Ford is standing near the front door, carrying his legal bag, ready to go to work, while Hunter and Norris is in the living room crouching down over Mom.

     FORD
(to Hunter)
Hey, can you give me a ride into work? They're doing repairs on the D-train.

     HUNTER
Yeah, sure.
(beat)
Oh, but first, I need your expert opinion on something.

     FORD
(putting down his bag)
Yeah, legal?

     NORRIS
Um, homosexual.

Hunter and Norris stand up to reveal Mom in a Marilyn Monroe costume decked out in a dress and wig.

     NORRIS
(continuing)
What do you think?

     FORD
(looks at Mom strangely)
Yep, yeah, that is definitely the ugliest woman you've ever brought home.

     HUNTER
Hey, c'mon. It's Halloween. Every year, Mom likes to dress up like Marilyn Monroe.
(beat)
Okay, we kinda like it too.

Hunter and Norris chuckles.

     MOM
(in subtitles)
I feel dirty.

INT. CONSTRUCTION TRAILER - DAY

At the construction, inside a trailer, Sal is posting a letter for Hunter, stapling it like mad onto a wooden board.

     HUNTER
(entering the trailer)
Hey, Sal.

     SAL
I just left you a message.

He walks passes Hunter and checks out the blueprints.

     HUNTER
Great, you know you could've just handed me the slip.

     SAL
That's one of the perks of being the boss. You get to play with the tools.

     HUNTER
(taking off his jacket)
Well, yeah, if you wanna play with the tools, you can always sneak them home in your gym bag.
(beat)
Hey, you got plans tonight?

     SAL
Why? You're having your annual Halloween party?

     HUNTER
Yeah.

     SAL
I got plans.

     HUNTER
You sure? Because I rented a couple of scary movies. I've got "Shriek," "Shriek 2," "The Mirror Has Two Faces"...

     SAL
(interrupting)
No, no, no!

     HUNTER
Ah, suit yourself.
(picks up a paper bag)
Hey, here's that burrito you wanted me to pick up for you.
(beat)
Yeah, it's a little cold. You want me to put it into the microwave?

     SAL
No, I got it.
(lights up a blowtorch)

Hunter passes the burrito to Sal.

INT. HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

Ford and Suzanne are sitting on the couch on the opposite ends. Ford is working on some paperwork. Suzanne is consuming lots of candy. Hunter slides open the kitchen doors.

     HUNTER
(wearing a oversized Larry King head, enters)
Wooooooooooo!

     SUZANNE
(looks at Hunter nonchalantly)
What the hell are you?

     HUNTER
(imitating Larry King)
I'm scary Larry King. Davenport, Iowa, do you have a question for Sharon Stone? If you don't, I'll rip your heart out!

     SUZANNE
(raising her hand)
I've a question.

     HUNTER
(Larry King voice)
Go ahead caller.

     SUZANNE
Why do your Halloween parties blow so badly?

     HUNTER
(takes off the head)
Because, the party is only as strong as its lamest guests.
(walks to Ford)
Isn't that right, Ford?

     FORD
(trying to clip his paperwork)
Yeah, when a paper clip starts to bend, it's time for a binder clip.
(grabs a binder clip from the coffee table)

     HUNTER
C'mon, man, it's Halloween. This is the best holiday of the year. Women dress up like hookers, and french maids, and you don't even have to ask.

Norris and Chloe come racing in from the front door, laughing.

     NORRIS
Hey, hey, hey! If old man Gamble calls, we've been here all night.

     CHLOE
Right, right, right. We definitely weren't leaving a bag of something burning by his front door.

Norris and Chloe continue laughing. They give each other low-tens.

     HUNTER
Awe, I cannot believe you would do something so juvenile.

The front doorbell rings.

     HUNTER
(continuing, excited)
Hey! Trick-o-treaters!

     CHLOE
(mocking Hunter)
Hey! Too excited!

     HUNTER
Suzanne, you want to give the kids some candy?

     SUZANNE
(sarcastic)
Sure! Because there's nothing I love more than bringing a smile to a young child's face. After all, they cry on planes, whine in movie theaters, and, oh, let's not forget the nose picking.
(beat)
They're like little Norris's.

     NORRIS
Is there a draft in here, or is that just the breeze coming off your heart?

INT. HOUSE - KITCHEN - NIGHT

Chloe and Norris are in the kitchen. Hunter enters with a bowl.

     HUNTER
Wow, some movie, huh?

     CHLOE
Scaryific.

     NORRIS
Spookylicious.

     CHLOE
Look, Hunter, all this being terrified has kinda tired me out. I'm going to head home.

     HUNTER
Awe, c'mon, we haven't even got out the ouija board yet. I was going ask Jerry Garcia if he's really grateful.
(beat)
C'mon, it'll be fun!

     CHLOE
C'mon, it won't.
(beat)
Seriously, I've got some stuff to do.

     HUNTER
Okay, but don't leave yet.
(runs up the kitchen stairs)

     NORRIS
(pouring chips)
Wow, nine-thirty, you're already heading home? You know, back in my day, Halloween was party time. Going from door-to-door, looking for candy, and my mom.

     CHLOE
(putting on her coat)
I am going to a party, a rave in a condemned warehouse on Charles Street.

     NORRIS
Woooah, how did you hear about this party?

     CHLOE
Some guys at school. Well, they hang around school in a rusty old van parked in front of the gym.
(beat)
God, I never got to do stuff like this in San Diego.

     NORRIS
Don't you think you should tell your dad about this?

     CHLOE
Um, no. This is exactly the kind of party you don't tell your dad about. Which is why I'm psyched to go!
(beat)
If you're gonna get all weird about this, then just forget I ever told you anything. Narc.

     NORRIS
Okay, look, I'm gonna tell you what I told the wrestling team. I am not a Narc.
(beat)
I just prefer showering at home.
(beat)
Okay, all right, listen.
(searches for a pad and pen)
You can go, but, here, just leave me your cellphone number. Wow, that sounded totally parental!

Chloe writes the number and hands it to Norris.

INT. HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

Suzanne and Norris are watching scary movies on TV. Norris is hugging his Garfield pillow cushion tightly. Suzanne has just finished a bowl of candy. On the TV, a woman screams. Hunter enters with a fresh bowl of candy.

     HUNTER
(racing in)
What's happening? Awe, man, when did she take off her shirt?
[On TV, a chainsaw sound]
And her head?

     NORRIS
Um, right after the other girl lost her pants and her arm.

     HUNTER
Where's Ford?

     NORRIS
Oh, mister too-good-for-the-movie? Went to bed.

     HUNTER
What is with everyone leaving? This is not that bad a party.
(switches candy bowl without disturbing Suzanne and heads up the stairs)

     SUZANNE
(candy in mouth)
Hmm, I just don't get it. Why don't any of the guys in these movies ever take their clothes off and get shredded.
[On TV, a chainsaw sound, followed by a guy screaming]
Oh, thank you.
(pops in another candy in her mouth)

Norris tries to reach for a candy. Suzanne slaps his hand.

     NORRIS
Ow.

INT. HOUSE - FORD'S ROOM - NIGHT

Ford is in front of his portable computer, staring at it, looking bored. Hunter opens up his door and enters.

     HUNTER
Hey, man, whatcha doing?

     FORD
Oh, I'm watching some guy on the internet iron his shirts.

     HUNTER
What are you doing that for?

     FORD
'Cause he finished the dishes.

     HUNTER
Ford, you shouldn't be watching "Ironing Bob" on Halloween. You're gay! This is like the national holiday of your people.
(beat)
And you should be out getting drunk, wearing chaps, doing body shots off Liza Minelli.

     FORD
Wow, you just did what my grandmother and the church couldn't do. You scared me straight.
(gets up and heads to his armoire)

     HUNTER
What ever happened to that guy I knew in college, who got drunk and ran naked through the quad screaming, "I will no longer be held prisoner by the tyranny of pants!"?

     FORD
(chuckling)
Yeah, yeah, that was you.

     HUNTER
I missed college.

     FORD
Look, Hunter, I know that I've been keeping to myself a lot lately. But, ever since I came out, it's like I don't know how to have a social life. I don't have any gay friends. I'm not part of any scene. And the one guy I did go out with was trying to sell me insurance.

     HUNTER
Hey, I know it's hard, but you know if being gay was easy, everyone would do it.
(beat)
You gotta get out there. Have some fun. Go to a gay bar.

     FORD
No! No, no, no. I'm gonna stay here and roll up some spare change, and combine a couple of half bottles of conditioners into one big bottle. Reorganize my hotel soap collection.
[Hunter is starting to look bored.]
(typing)
Probably sand down the hanging cedar chip in my closet so it smells nice again.
[Hunter leaves Ford's Room.]
Hunter? Works everytime.

INT. HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

Suzanne and Norris are still watching TV. Suzanne has finished another bowl of candy and is searching for any piece left that is not a wrapper. Norris is hugging his Garfield pillow even more tightly. The doorbell rings.

     NORRIS
Suzanne, can you get that?

     SUZANNE
But it's probably one of those trick-o-treaters.

     NORRIS
C'mon, you had about six pounds of chocolate. Go get some exercise.

     SUZANNE
(gets up with bowl in hand)
Awe, for pete's sake!

INT. HOUSE - FRONT DOOR - NIGHT

A young boy is wearing a jockey costume. Suzanne opens the door.

     TRIP
Trick-o-Treat.

     SUZANNE
Who are you?

     TRIP
My name is Lewis Morris the third, but I'm called Trip.

     SUZANNE
Blah, blah, blah, we're out of candy.
(tries to close the door)

     TRIP
(keeping the door open)
No, you're not. There's one piece left.

     SUZANNE
What?
(takes the candy from the bowl)
You mean this piece? Well, what if I want it?

     TRIP
You can't have it. I'm the kid.

     SUZANNE
Ah, and you think life is that easy?

     TRIP
It has been.

     SUZANNE
Well, Trip, consider this a learning experience. Sometimes...
(peels off the wrapper with her teeth)
...you don't get what you want.
(pops in the candy into her mouth)
And sometimes you dress like a jockey, and you'll never grow again for the rest of your life.

Trip runs away from the door.

     SUZANNE
(continuing)
Run! Little man! Run!
(shuts the door)

INT. HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

Suzanne walks back from the front door and sits back down. Norris is still on the couch holding Garfield tightly.

     SUZANNE
(continuing, elated)
Halloween is fun.

     TV MALE VOICE
I don't know, Zoe. I still think we should've told your dad where we're going tonight.

     TV FEMALE VOICE
Are you kidding? If he knew we were at the abandoned disco to prove that chainsaw hustle killer is really dead, he'd freak! Besides, I told his idiot roommate, Boris.

Norris leans forward.

     TV MALE VOICE
Cool. Wanna have sex?

     TV FEMALE VOICE
Sure, whatever.

Norris is in shock. He gets scared.

     TV FEMALE VOICE
(continuing)
Do you hear something?

A chainsaw sound, followed by a guy screaming. Norris is a wreck, freaked out by what he is watching.

     TV FEMALE VOICE
(continuing)
Boris! Nooooooo!

     NORRIS
(throws his pillow aside and gets up)
Oh my god! I gotta make a phone call!
(rushes to the kitchen)

Suzanne notices a gummy bear pack where Norris was sitting. She takes it.

     SUZANNE
Hey! You were sitting on a pack of gummy bears.
(inspects it)
Now, it's just an ass-shaped gummy blob. Come to mama.
(opens the pack)

INT. HOUSE - KITCHEN - NIGHT

Norris is on the phone with the cellphone number in hand.

     NORRIS
Hello?! Hello, Chloe!

     MALE VOICE ON PHONE
I'm not Chloe.

     NORRIS
Well, let me speak to Chloe.

     MALE VOICE ON PHONE
Uh, she...she really can't talk right now.

     NORRIS
Okay, all right. You tell her this is Norris, and I have to speak to her.

     MALE VOICE ON PHONE
No way, pal. Last time I let one of the chicks out of the van, Butch hurt me.
(hangs up the phone)

     NORRIS
Oh my god! Chloe! Okay, okay, all right, okay, Norris, Norris, get a grip. Okay, now panic!

INT. HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

Norris runs from the kitchen to the living room. Suzanne has lifted some couch cushions in search for more candy.

     NORRIS
(continuing)
Suzanne.

     SUZANNE
Oh, there's gotta be some more candy around here somewhere!

     NORRIS
Suzanne! Listen, I need you to drive me to Charles Street. I think that Chloe's in trouble.

     SUZANNE
(whining)
Right now?

     NORRIS
(frustrated)
We can get candy on the way.

     SUZANNE
Let's go. Hurry!

Suzanne and Norris race out of the house.

INT. HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

Hunter is sitting all by himself on the couch with a bowl of chips. Mom is sitting on the other end.

     HUNTER
(eats a chip)
I can't believe that everybody's just left. What kind of people would leave a great party like this?

     MOM
(in subtitles)
People I control with my mind.

Ford comes down the stairs. Hunter notices and tries to catch him.

     HUNTER
Hey! Let me guess, you thought about what I said, you decided life is too short and you're ready to paint the town pink.
(hits his arm)
I can say that, right?

     FORD
(frowning)
Whatever. Uh, actually, I just came down here to get a triple-A battery for my itty-bitty book light.
(heads towards the den)

INT. HOUSE - DEN - NIGHT

     HUNTER
Oh, c'mon, Ford, what are you afraid of out there? Rejection?

     FORD
(grabs batteries from shelf)
Uhhh, yeah.

     HUNTER
Sure, I can see that. I mean, what guy would be interested in a rich, handsome lawyer, with all his hair, and a great sense of humor, and washboard abs?

     FORD
Well, I have been doing extra crunches.
(beat)
You really noticed?

     HUNTER
Yeah, and I'm not even gay. Imagine what a roomful of drunken moe's is going to do?
[Ford looks at him strangely]
I can say that, right?

     FORD
I don't think so.

INT. GAY BAR - BAR COUNTER - NIGHT

This is a disco gay bar where men are dressed up in costume and dancing with each other. Ford and Hunter and sitting at the counter, looking around the place.

     HUNTER
Ah, this place is just like a straight bar: music, booze, dancing...

They turn around and then look up at the go-go dancer dancing on the counter.

     FORD
(takes the bowl of nuts in hand)
Nuts?

The go-go dancer leaves. Ford feels out of place. Hunter is a little bit dumbfounded by the situation.

     FORD
(continuing)
Well, this has been a blast. If I head home now, I can still catch "Internet Bob" changing his shelf paper.

     HUNTER
(stopping Ford)
You're not going anywhere. And, listen, you gotta strap your cool on. You gotta throw a few more logs on the stud fire. And then once you drop a few Ford bombs on these guys...

     FORD
(interrupting)
If you tell me I'm money, I'll beat you like a drum.

     HUNTER
All right, all right. Well, go and hit on somebody already.

     FORD
Fine. Fine.

A hunky guy in black walks up to the counter. Ford turns around and looks at him.

     GUY #1
(looks Ford up and down)
Nice try.
(pats Ford on the arm and leaves)

     FORD
God, I knew I should've said "nice belt."
(takes a sip of beer)

     HUNTER
When was the last time you hit on someone?

     FORD
College.

Another good looking guy walks up to the counter. Ford turns around and tries again.

     FORD
Hi.

     GUY #2
(smiling)
Hi.

     FORD
So, uh, what's your major?

The guy becomes disinterested and turns around. He bumps into Guy #1. Hunter and Ford look on.

     GUY #2
Nice belt.

     GUY #2
Thanks. I live two blocks away.

They both leave together. Ford is now really frustrated and pissed. Hunter is trying his best to help him out.

     FORD
Okay, I'm going home now.

Hunter looks behind him.

     HUNTER
(to Ford)
Uh-uh, I wouldn't go just yet. Attila the hunk, six o'clock.

Ford looks behind him and sees another handsome man walking up. He turns around with a "wow" expression on his face.

     FORD
(mouthing the words)
Wow.

     HUNTER
Yeah, and he's yours. You can do this. Come on. Third time's the charm. Go.

     FORD
(turning around)
So, what are you supposed to...
(notices a burly man with a wig on his head)
...be?
(looks around for the other man)

     MONGO
Sweetheart of cellblock C.

Ford tries to ignore the burly guy.

     MONGO
(continuing, taking Ford's arm)
Let's dance.

     FORD
No, I, uh... oh, Hunter! Hunter!
(looks desperate at Hunter to save him)

Mongo drags Ford to the dance floor. Ford looks desperately at Hunter for help. Hunter looks on and then turns around, thinking he did his job.

     HUNTER
(same time as Sal)
Hey, bartender!

     SAL
(same time as Hunter)
Hey, bartender!

     HUNTER
(noticing Sal)
Sal?

     SAL
Hey, Hunter.

Hunter walks up to Sal at the counter.

     HUNTER
Hey, man, what are you doing here?

     SAL
I'm watching the football game.

In the background, on the dance floor, Ford is desperately seeking Hunter's help.

     HUNTER
Oh! Oh, well, uh, you know, not that I have a problem with it, but this bar is, you know, gay.

     SAL
That's all right, because I'm, you know, gay.

     HUNTER
(chuckling)
Yeah, right. You're gay.

Sal isn't laughing. He looks up at Hunter.

     HUNTER
(continuing)
Oh! Oh! Bartender, another beer for my man-loving boss!

The people around them look at them. Hunter notices.

     HUNTER
(continuing, to Sal)
I can say that, right?

INT. SUZANNE'S CAR - NIGHT

     SUZANNE
(driving)
Chloe is just probably playing the trick on you. She got one of her slacker friends to answer the phone.

     NORRIS
Oh, she wouldn't.

Suzanne looks at him convincingly.

     NORRIS
(continuing)
I'm calling her back.
(searches his pocket for the number)

     SUZANNE
Be my guest. It's a buck fifty a call.

Norris dials. The same voice answers.

     MALE PHONE VOICE
Yeah, what?

     NORRIS
Hello, yeah, let me talk to Chloe.

     MALE PHONE VOICE
Chloe doesn't want to talk to you. She doesn't want to talk to anybody. She's busy. I doubt it if I could get her even if I wanted to.

     NORRIS
Oh, all right, okay, you know what? Listen, pal, it's not funny anymore. Where exactly is the warehouse? We're coming to pick her up.

     MALE PHONE VOICE
We're not at the warehouse. We're on a freighter docked in Newark. We sail for Romania in twenty minutes.

     NORRIS
(to Suzanne)
Run that light, or get out of the car.

Suzanne slams down on the speed petal.

INT. GAY BAR - DANCE FLOOR - NIGHT

Mongo is dancing with Ford. Ford is just standing there, not dancing, not knowing what to do.

INT. GAY BAR - COUNTER - NIGHT

Sal and Hunter are drinking beers.

     HUNTER
I can't believe I've known you for four years and you never told me you were gay.

     SAL
I didn't think it mattered.

     HUNTER
Of course it matters. Now, I don't know if you hired me for my ability or because you thought I was, I don't know, hot.

     SAL
It's not important.
(beat)
Besides, you turned out to be a really good manager. You want another beer?

     HUNTER
Yeah, sure. But I'm still a little offended.
(beat)
Was I like the hottest guy you interviewed?

INT. SUZANNE'S CAR - NIGHT

     NORRIS
I'm going to call Hunter.

     SUZANNE
What are you, nuts? Why tell him anything? He can't help any. You'll just scare him.

     NORRIS
But it's my fault that his daughter's been drugged and shipped to Malaysia to stitch together volleyballs for eleven cents a week.

     SUZANNE
Relax. She's an eighteen year old woman. She's responsible for herself.

     NORRIS
Hunter's thirty-five, and I'm still responsible for him.
(beat)
Look, I know that Chloe thinks that she can take care of herself, but this is New York. I'm worried.

     SUZANNE
Well, now you know why so many people don't have kids. Even people in their prime birthing years with strong but still slim hips.
(beat)
Maybe they got married and even picked out baby names, and their husbands turned out to be gay, and all they can do is say they never really liked kids anyway. But when Halloween comes around...

     NORRIS
...they leave their building to avoid all those trick-o-treating kids.

     SUZANNE
Oh, you love it to be that simple, wouldn't you, you weepy little artist.

     NORRIS
(pulls out a candy from his pocket)
Oh, you think you're tough? Well, who's got a snickers bar in his hands?

     SUZANNE
Who's got a gun under her seat?
(looks over at him)

Norris slowly hands her the snickers bar. She takes it and opens the wrapper with her teeth.

INT. GAY BAR - TABLE - NIGHT

Sal and Ford are sitting at a table. Ford is holding a bottle of beer.

     SAL
I'm gonna go out on a limb here and say you're not having a good time.

     FORD
(looks around)
Is it that obvious?

     SAL
During YMCA, you were singing "Why am I here".
(beat)
Newly gay, huh?

     FORD
Is just that I don't think I'm ever gonna fit in with this. Maybe I'm just too much of an uptight corporate guy.

     SAL
What are you talking about? There's a lot of uptight corporate guys in here tonight. Hey, Tony!
(slaps a high five with a guy dressed in a 18th century dress and wig who passes by them)
That's my broker.
(beat, looks at Tony)
Anyway, this bar isn't all there is in being gay.

     FORD
Yeah, well, I wouldn't know. You know, 'cause for me being gay has meant suppressing my feelings, obsessing about my career, getting married. And, then, realizing I spent my entire life trying to be someone I'm not.

     SAL
Try growing up in an Italian family where you got fifty-two aunts always asking you when are you gonna get married. And all you're thinking is, when Brendan Fraser proposes.

     FORD
(chuckling)
Yeah, I have "George of the Jungle" on DVD.

Sal and Ford clink beers.

     FORD
(continuing)
Well, what about you? I mean, you're so comfortable being gay. I-I'm just totally incompetant at it.

     SAL
It's really easy. You just gotta be yourself. And whatever you're doing is gay.

     FORD
I'm here, I'm queer, I bought Intel at twenty.

     SAL
You got Intel at twenty?

Ford nods.

     SAL
(continuing)
Excuse me.
(getting up)
Hey, Tony!
(walks over to Tony)

INT. HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

Suzanne and Norris arrive back to the house. Suzanne is carrying a big bag of candy.

     SUZANNE
(looking around)
They must've gone out.

     NORRIS
Oh, god, god. What am I gonna tell Hunter? Oh, hey, I've lost your daughter, but at least I still have her phone. I won it in a cock fight on a Romanian freighter.

     SUZANNE
(taking out candy from the bag)
Well, technically, it was a draw. You lost points for punching that chicken into the river.

Hunter walks into the House carrying a small trophy. Norris, upon seeing Hunter, hides the cellphone in his coat pocket. He covers his torn shirt with his jacket.

     HUNTER
Hey, guys.

     NORRIS
Hey, hey, hi, hi.

     SUZANNE
Hey.

     NORRIS
What's that? A trophy! Hey, let's talk about that.

     HUNTER
(looking at the trophy)
Yeah, I just won second place in a best construction worker contest at a gay bar.

     NORRIS
Uh-huhn.

     HUNTER
I think it was rigged. The guy who won didn't have a hard hat or a tool belt. All he had was a thong and a tape measure.

Ford walks in the door carrying a bigger trophy.

     SUZANNE
Oh-ho! Oh, what did they have? A best lawyer contest too?

     FORD
(showing off the trophy)
No, I won the tango with a lovely gentleman named Mongo. He led. I had no choice but to follow.

     SUZANNE
Oh, great, you won't dance with me at our wedding. But when the missing link taps you on the shoulder, you're Fred Astaire.

     HUNTER
Hey, you leave Ford alone. This is his night.
(pats Ford on the back)
Well, his and Mongo's.
(to Ford)
I'm proud of you, buddy.

Ford pats Hunter on the shoulder.

     HUNTER
(continuing, to Norris and Suzanne)
So, what've you guys been up to?

Suzanne looks over at Norris.

     NORRIS
Well, hey, Hunter, you know how Chloe has always talked about wanting to spend a semester abroad? Well...

Chloe enters the room.

     CHLOE
Hey, everybody.

     NORRIS
(turning around shocked)
What the hell are you doing here?!
(beat)
in the living room... You were in the kitchen. What's wrong with the kitchen?

     CHLOE
Did somebody drop him?

     HUNTER
(to Chloe)
I thought you went home.

     CHLOE
I did, but I left my cellphone here, so I came back to grab it.

     NORRIS
Good, yeah, good, you know what? I think I saw it at the kitchen. Let's go get it, now, together.

Norris takes Chloe by the shoulders and pushes her towards the kitchen.

INT. HOUSE - DINING ROOM - NIGHT

     CHLOE
What is your problem?

     NORRIS
I'm the one asking the questions, Missy.

INT. HOUSE - KITCHEN - NIGHT

     NORRIS
(continuing)
Now, you start explaining where you were tonight and don't lie to me because I fought poultry for you.
(pulls on his shirt)

     CHLOE
Okay, I went to the party. It sucked. I realized I left my phone here, so I came back for it.

     NORRIS
(making a error sound)
Wrong answer...
(pulls out the cellphone from his coat pocket followed by lots of feathers)
...because I have your phone right here.

     CHLOE
(searching through her purse)
Gee, okay, then this must be my cellular hairbrush.
(takes out her cellphone)

Norris is confused.

     CHLOE
(continuing)
See.
(takes phone from Norris)
Now, this one's eight-seven-two-four, mine's eight-seven-two-nine.

     NORRIS
(takes number out of pocket and looks at it)
What? Oh, c'mon, you call this a nine? Oh, it does kinda look like a nine.

The phone Norris brought back rings. Norris is scared.

     CHLOE
(answering phone)
Hello?
(beat)
Uh-huhn, he's here.
(beat)
Okay, I'll tell him.
(to Norris)
It's Yuri. He wants his phone back.

Norris takes the phone from Chloe and hides it in the cookie jar shaped like a fire hydrant.

     NORRIS
Listen, um, Chloe, don't ever tell me anything you don't tell Hunter, again. But, I really like being friends, but you shaved like five years off my life tonight.

     CHLOE
You were really that worried about me?

     NORRIS
Yes.

Chloe stares at him, feeling guilty.

     NORRIS
(continuing)
Well, oh, okay, what? Now you think I'm a big loser because I care, right?

     CHLOE
Uh, no, I think you're a big loser 'cause you can't tell a four from a nine.

Hunter walks in wearing his Larry King head.

     HUNTER
(as Larry King)
Dayton, Ohio. We're about to bob for apples with Angie Dickenson.
(picks up some apples)

Hunter leaves the kitchen. Sounds of him falling over something.

     HUNTER
(O.S.)
I'm okay! I'm okay! Woooooooo!

INT. HOUSE - FRONT DOOR - NIGHT

The doorbell rings. Suzanne opens the door. There at the door stands a good looking man.

     SUZANNE
Hello.

     LEWIS
Hi. I'm Lewis Morris, Jr.. My son, Trip, came by here earlier. And now he can't sleep because of what you said to him.

Suzanne looks him feeling guiltily.

     LEWIS
(continuing)
You know, it's been hard enough trying to raise my son by myself ever since my wife came out as a lesbian.
(beat)
Trip says the private jet feels empty with no mommy. And all I've been doing is searching for a woman who, well, actually, looks just like you to help raise him for a few months.

     SUZANNE
Uh, a few months?

     LEWIS
Until I can ship him off to boarding school. Then it'll be non-stop love making at the villa in the south of France.

Suzanne looks at him interestingly now.

     LEWIS
(continuing)
But I'll tell you something, misses...

     SUZANNE
Miss.

     LEWIS
Miss.
(beat)
Until I find a woman, who will allow me to pamper her with everything money can buy, I'll thank you to never speak to Trip again. Good night.
(leaves)

Suzanne follows after him a bit.

     SUZANNE
Good night!

     LEWIS
(turning around)
God, you're beautiful. What a shame!
(leaves and goes away)

Suzanne walks out more, her hand waving, as she is still in a daze from love at first sight.